Ugh. Drunken body image....

Even drunk, still fat. Why can't I get rid of it. This is why I'm not an alcoholic. If alcohol got rid of my body image issues, I 100% believe that id be addicted to it. But since It doesn't, I only drink socially.. even when I can barely see to walk, I still look in the mirror and think I'm fat. I still suck in my stomach. No matter how much alcohol I have in me I still think I'm gross. The only thing that is different from when I'm drunk and sober is that ed is less loud and I'm able to eat whatever I want. But no matter how much alcohol I have in me, I still think im huge and disgusting. I still can't get away from it. Ugh. It makes me sad and happy at the same time. I wish for one second, I would be able to think I'm beautiful instead of a gross worthless fuckup. Anyways, I'm drunk right now.. and at a bar. But I went to the bathroom and did my usual routine of looking all of my flaws so I thought I would blog about it. Anywayssss, I'm drunk and I wanna stay that way, so imma get off here now... Here's some pictures....

I passed the trust test!

So... I don't know if its all that big of a deal, but I did something yesterday that shocks, scares, and makes me happy.
Blake: "I have an idea but I don't know if its gonna work"
Me: "What's ur idea?"
Blake: "Well, we could go to golden corral and instead of making our own plates, we make plates for the other person. U make mine and I make yours. And we have to eat everything that is put on our plate."
Me: "Well..... I'm not sure..."
Blake: "Of course"
Me: "I am not saying no im just a little uncomfortable"
Blake: "okay"
5 minutes later
Me: "Okay, we can go but I'm not promising that I will be able to do it"

We got to the restaurant and then made each others plates. He didn't do that bad of a job. I only refused one thing only because it was gross and we both agreed.

Overall, I am semi proud of myself. On one hand, I am extremely proud that I was able to trust him enough to eat what he put on my plate. On the other hand tho, I still have this overwhelming feeling that I am a failure because I ate.

Recovery would teach me that this was the opposite of failing, and that I'm a tiny bit closer to happiness because of it. Ana, though, would tell me that I'm completely wrong for trusting him so much. That I should have never even considered the thought of letting someone else control my caloric intake and that I will always be weak and gross. Somewhere along the way I have to figure out which one I'm going to listen to... It's a tough one though. See, if I listen to the recovery version, I risk letting myself do it again. If I let myself do it again, I will feel more weak than ever and risk my worst nightmare coming true. If I listen to Ana, I don't do it again and therefore I dont have to worry about not being good enough.

I understand that this may not make sense. If I don't listen to ed I fail, and if I do, I could die. If I eat, I'm automatically unworthy of anything and everything good in life.
I'm really not sure what to take of this. I still have no idea what I want to do. So far, I've listened to Ana. I'm not sure when it will change...I'm scared of it changing. I've tried recovery so many times before that I know how hard it is and I don't feel like I have the willpower/strength to do it right now.

Anyways, that's all for now!
Chelsea

Just another boring update... Trigger warning!

Ugh. So, I found out that my grandfather has cancer. This was my worst fear bc he is 73 and I don't know that they will want him to do chemo. We already had one death this year, I don't need fear of another. And he is the last person I want that to happen to. But then again, who ever wants anyone they know to die. I haven't greived for my mom, I don't want to have to greive for him too. I'm not trying to be all negative and say right away that he is gonna die. I don't know if I could handle that. But I also dont want to make myself believe that it won't happen either bc I don't want a bombshell if it does. I don't know what in saying or if It makes sense....

In other news,
I've been struggling a ton lately. As u saw in my last post, I've been in hardcore relapse mode. I just can't handle things. Christmas without mom, body image, wedding planning, self-hate, and now grandfather has cancer. I don't know when I will want to get better but its definitely not right now. Last night, I made myself some food. But knew I couldn't keep it down... Idk why, bc I have barely had anything for weeks. So I make the food while Blake is sleeping, and then he wakes up in the middle of my cooking. I didn't want to eat it while he was awake and watching so I tried to urge him to go to bed since he had to work in the morning. I ate all I could (which wasn't very much) and then got some clothes and waited for Blake to start trying to sleep again. I couldn't wait too long and he was taking his time, so I went into the bathroom and tried to purge quietly ... To no avail. He opened the bathroom door saying "what are you....oh" and I screamed at him to get out. So he shut the door and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't stop. I had to keep going. Now I was pissed at myself for being stupid and getting caught which just drove me to do it harder and louder and more violently. Pretty soon, he was slamming the door open and we were screaming at each other. I finally stopped but couldn't get myself to calm down so I went outside and smoked without a jacket on ... Then decided that I would freeze the calories off. Took my jacket off, did 53 jumping jacks, then laid down on my jacket and shivered for about 15 minutes.

Never has it been this bad. At least I know that. Now its just a matter of figuring out how to get better.

I feel like I should apologize to Blake for acting the way I acted. I really am sorry. But I don't want to keep saying I'm sorry for things that I'm not sure are going to change. I could apologize to him today and we could have the same fight tomorrow. I have no way of knowing that. I'll put it here ne ways.

Dear Blake,
If u read this, which I know you probably will. I am sorry for the way I acted. I was sorry right after it happened but was scared to tell u. I cant promise that it will never happen again. If I promised u that now, u might be mad when it happens again. I love u. Always have always will.
-Chelsea

ANOREXIA NERVOSA

A lonely little girl. from the
iNside looking out.
Over and over again, she tries to fit in
Right where shes meant to be
Except something always stops her.
X
she Is trapped in a revolving door that is
Anorexia.

uNable to find her way out. a
nEver-ending
Reign of this demon dictator
eVeryone thinks its as easy as
dO or don't eat
truth iS
All they see is what is on the outside.

Update.

I am so sorry guys. I haven't updated in SO long. Mostly bc I haven't had ne way of getting on my blog and I've been so totally in relapse mode its not even funny. And I didnt really have anything to say.

So much has happened. Thanksgiving was an epic fail. I relapsed about 10 days before and couldn't even deal with anything at thanskgiving. I was a train wreck. Ended up going to a party the next weekend and getting drunk and passing out. Man do I feel bad about that. I feel like ppl look at me way differently than before. Blake, my fiance, is so helpful and so loving, but I don't feel like I'm worth his love. I feel like I dissapoint him everytime I miss a meal. I just don't want to miserably fail at recovery again. Like every other time I have tried. REALLY TRIED, I mean. I guess part of me feels like I shouldn't be happy. Like I don't deserve it. I have no idea why, either. I love Blake n I want to spend the rest of my life with him but how in the hell can he love someone with this much fucking baggage. I dont know how I'm EVER gonna escape the grips of anorexia and just be happy. I ate dinner only for three days and then yesterday couldn't do it anymore. It's like I would somehow be failing myself if I ate. I'm just tired. Tired of Ana. Tired of exercise. Tired of Blake telling me he is worried bout me. Tired of my aunt asking me if I've eaten. I just want to go back to the way it was. I want to have my eating disorder in the background and have everyone think everything is okay with me.

Just. Like. It. Was. Before. My. Mom. Died.

That's enough for tonight. Imma go draw. Peace!

Just rambling on and on and on

As always, my life has been rather crazy. And Ed's voice has been louder than ever. And like always, i dont have the energy to fight him, so again i just listen. That's sad to say. Sometimes i hate it, sometimes i love it. I don't know HOW in the world i could like listening to ed, but sometimes i don't mind it as much as fighting him. That makes more since i guess since its the more comfortable thing to do. So many thoughts and emotions are running through my head when i am in ed, but it seems like there are even more when im not.

How is it that I can crash my friends birthday party with a sudden trip to the er, go half into a coma, and STILL come out with nothing learned? How does all of that happen and I don't feel sick enough. How is it that I can make a huge leap into recovery by smashing the shit out of my scale and then have the biggest relapse I've had. How is it that I can read 50 pages of the anorexics and bulimics anonymous (ABA) book and think about it a little, and then turn around and write in a proana journal.

Subconsciously I think I'm lying to myself. I'm making myself stay in relapse mode bc I don't want to do the work to recover. How sad is that. I don't remember what post it was but somewhere in this blog history, I wrote about proanas "anorexia is a lifestyle, not a disease" thing. Funny, bc I wrote that just a few days ago.

Don't know what its gonna take and when I will wanna recover. Maybe after Christmas or the new year or my wedding, or the anniversary of my moms death. Maybe then. Just not today.

That's how it is. Like it or dislike it.

Poetry/Edited Song Lyrics

In My Mother's Eyes

In my eyes,
you are a hero,
you are strong and wise,
And you know no fear,
But the truth is plain to see,
you were sent to rescue me,
I see who I want to be,
In my mother's eyes

In my mother's eyes,
Everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace,
This miracle god gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe,
In my mother's eyes

Its Her birthday today
Were on our way to her grave.
Will I cry?
I dont want to cry though.
i should cry.
i NEED to cry.
But i wont.
Not now.
I have to be strong
just like so many people told me to do.

Suicide Prevention Week: How suicide attempts have affected my life..

Me: "Mom, please come swimming with us. Please!"
Mom: "I have to go to my meeting"
Me: "Can I go with you? Ill be quiet. You wont even know im there.."
Mom: "No, you cant go with me. Stay here with your brother and go swimming"
Me: "Will you come swimming with us when ur meeting is over?"
Mom: "Yes, Chelsea. I will go swimming with you after my meeting. I have to go now. I love you."
Me: "i love you too. Promise??"
Mom: "Yes. I promise. I have to go now before im late. I love you, bye"

I remember all too well the events of that day. My mom picked me and my brother up from school, and then took my brother to the YMCA across the street. I remember she was irritated more than she was before and i didnt know why. i wanted to somehow cheer her up and i wanted to spend time with her so i asked her to go swimming with my brother and i. Little did i know, it was more than just a bad day she was having. She was going to a NA meeting to take a bunch of Ibuprofen to try to kill herself. What she didnt think of was how that was gonna effect her 11 year old daughter and 15 year old son. Turns out that we didnt have anyone else to call or have pick us up from school so we were left outside at night just waiting for someone to pick us up. We just sat there waiting for hours until my moms NA sponsor came to pick us up. The first thing out of her mouth was "is there anything that you guys know of that your mom could have gotten ahold of to make her sick?" I was 11 at the time and i didnt know what she meant. I remember being confused when she told me what happened. I didnt understand why my mom would do such a thing. The next day, my brother and i were moved back to Texas with my dad. For the next two years, i didnt know if she was gonna try to kill herself again. I didnt know if i would have a mom next week. Luckily, my mom got better. it took her 2 years to get better the first time, but eventually i was able to move back in with her. For a very long time after this happened, i was terrified that it would happen the same way again and she would succeed at killing herself. If she hadnt picked me up within 10 minutes of school letting out, i would freak out, thinking "did something happen? did she forget to pick me up or did she try to kill herself again?" I would almost have panic attacts because i was so fearful that the past would repeat itself.

I guess what i am trying to say by writing this post is that suicide attempts affect not only you, but everyone around you. Your brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, kids, grandkids, all of them. if you feel suicidal, or you know someone who does, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Its not only your life your changing, its everyone around you.

Mom's Birthday

Today is my moms birthday. She died 5 months, 23 days ago.  I miss her each and everyday. I wish i could have her meet my fiance Blake. I wish she could have seen me graduate. I wish she could have been there for Aunt Pats hip replacement. I wish she could have been there for Persephone's birth. She would have been ecstatic to have another grand-daughter! She would have been ecstatic to meet blake. She would have loved him as much as i do. I wish i hadnt had to spend the day at a grave to celebrate her birthday. I wish i could see her and hug her just ONE more time. Then i will be happy.
Goodbye for now.

Update and apology

APOLOGY:

First let me say that I am sorry for not posting as much as I'd like to. Second, I would like to apologize to everyone for not being completely honest. I guess I've felt like my life has been too crazy to actually tell people about so I just write the bare minimum. My first post was me saying that I was going to write the truth and nothing else. No sugar coated posts. Most of them in the past have succeeded in that, but the latest ones have not. That ends now.

UPDATE:

I think it's safe to say that I've completely relapsed and I'm honestly not sure i care. August is the start of all of the family birthdays, holidays and everything and it doesn't end until february 27. There are birthdays and holidays every couple of weeks until then and this is the first set without my mom. I guess I am just using this to forget all of the things that are on my mind. its easier to focus on numbers and obsession rather than all the other shit on my mind. Like the fact that my mom is in Heaven without me, my dad is no longer willing or allowed to talk to me anymore, my sisters are not speaking to me either, and I most likely will never see one of my nieces again. All because I took a stand against people sexually assaulting me for the first time in my entire life. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to let people know how messed up I am because of it. Wet since my mom died, its like something in me died with her but I'm still trying to figure out what part it was. I don't know if that makes sense. Ever since this happened, I have been angry and confused and mad at the world and I'm taking it out on myself. Ed has gotten louder and I have gotten quieter. (the part in side me that is healthy, aka me; and the part that is sick, aka Ed) I havent lost a lot of weight, number wise, but if u take into consideration the way I did it and the number of days that it took me to do it, then yes, it's bad and yea that is a good deal of weight.

Also, I got my first tattoo last week. It is the symbol for the National Eating Disorder Association. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't have gotten this tattoo because I'm not in recovery. If your going to get a tattoo that symbolizes recovery, then u have to be willing to be in recovery and I'm not. Anyways, here's a picture:)

Missing Family

4 months and 13 days since my mom died. 2 months and 27 days since i found out my dad was doing things not only to me, but to my sister that no dad should do. 2 months 27 days since ive seen anyone in that side of the family. This makes me sad to think about. Its like they are family to me, but i may not ever be family to them again all because i spoke up about things that happened to me for once in my life. My cousin says that they might come around and start wanting to be in my life again but she doesnt know them like i do. She didnt see my 14 yr old sisters face when her big sister came out and screamed at me telling me that i didnt deserve my prom dress .. or that i am just a big liar and that my dad didnt do anything to us. Or maybe she did. i dont know how anyone can possibly understand how i feel. yes, i know people with similar history. Yes i know that a whole lot of people have gone through what i have but it doesnt seem to add up. i dont know what im saying, really... except that i miss my family. despite what they do to me, i still think of them as family and i dont think that will ever change. i dont know whether to just stop caring and get over it, or just try little by little to do as much as i can to get them to let up. i dont know.

Update, confusion, rambling...

It's funny to me that I can be okay without Ed for a few days, and then somewhere it just pops back into my head and it's like it never went away. In the past few weeks I have been able to go to a rangers game with my boyfriend with only a slight temptation to purge and was able to eat whatever I wanted, when i wanted. Somehow though, the number on the scale can be the same for days and will be okay, and then the next minute it's no longer acceptable. Yesterday, my cousin came in my room and said "Chelsea, do you still have bulimia? I was just wondering because you have been eating okay lately and I havent heard you throwing up lately" and all the sudden it all came back. The obsession about what my hip measurement, calorie consumption , an number on the scale was all I could think about. How does a person go from being able to eat without a lot of guilt to not being able to eat anything without having to write it down or count it? I hope I'll someday know....

Trust.

there have been times in my life when I trust really well, and other times when I dont trust anyone. it's like Everytime I get comfortable trusting people and start believing they won't hurt me, the prove me so wrong. now I find myself scared to go on with my life bc I don't want to be violated again. so I finally made the decision to get in a relationship with a really nice guy who so far has treated me well. the times I have gone out with him, I had a lot of fun and i felt comfortable, but then we get in a relationship and all the sudden im scared to death that he is going to hurt me. l have a feeling that it's not him though; it's me, and my past. I know it's because I've been so hurt so many times in the past and I am trying to protect myself by being on guard all the time. on the other hand though, it's exhausting. I'm tired of letting my past control me. I want to be able to go on a date with him and not have that voice in the back of my head saying "watch out" 24/7. I have a feeling that this won't happen anytime soon though... :/

what NOT to say to someone with an eating disorder

there are 3 main kinds of eating disorders: anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder. there are also supposedly a million other types of disordered eating behaviors but my guess is that most of them Are within one or more of those three groups. thats just my guess...

have you ever wondered what kinds of things you shouldn't say to a person with an eating disorder? well, here's a couple of them. by the way, I am speaking from my experiences and the experiences of SOME of the people I have talked to In the past. if you are reading this and you know someone with an eating disorder, keep these things in mind but you don't need to walk on eggshells around he/she. sooner or later they are going to have to deal with triggers but please just be cautious.

1) "your not underweight so your not in danger and/or struggling with an eating disorder." First of all, that's not true. the STEREOTYPICAL eating disordered patient has anorexia and is just skin and bones. when someone thinks of eating disorders, the first thing they think of is anorexia. however, a lot of the time, a person is not underweight but may still be in the danger zone. from my own experience, someone saying something like this means that I'm not doing a good enough job of starving myself, so I need to try harder. I need to more to get to my goal weight even if I haven't eaten for days. logically, it doesn't make sense but that is where an eating disordered mind is going to go.

2) "wow, you look great!" I understand that not everyone is aware of people tht have eating disorders and I don't expect everyone to think everyone may be struggling. however, if you know or think a person may have one, please try to not say stuff like that. for me, its sorta like telling me I was fat before I started. yea, yea, I know it's totally the opposite of number 1, but it still feels like your saying "you look great now, wait until u lose even more weight!" .

3) don't mention anything about what that person is eating. i can only speak for me, but i am always fighting it every time I eat. it means that I am going against what my disordered mind is telling me to do and quite often, that's not easy. when someone is more recovered, this may not bother them. but if they are like me, and they are still struggling, this may not be the right subject during conversation.

4) don't try not to talk about diets that you or someone you know are trying. like I said, there's no need to feel like your walking on eggshells all the time, but this is definitely a tough subject for anyone struggling with an ed. for me, it's hard to realize that I'm no longer able to do "healthy diets." My kind of diet is unhealthy and could kill me if I don't get a handle on it. when I hear people talking about diets, I automatically think "oh I could try that" ... but I can't. diets are a no-go when your trying to recover from an Ed. talking about it just makes Ed that more appealing, for me anyways.

I'm not sure if that would help anyone. everyone is different and everyone has there own triggers. people get triggered different ways. if you are reading this and trying to help someone with an eating disorder, just try to be there for them. make sure they know you care and help when you can but ultimately they have to make the decision for themselves.

I was right all along....

I wrote this as a blog post on the 14th of march... I was right...

I feel so alone. Like my life is falling apart at the seams and theres nothing i can do to stop it. I hate being in texas for more than a week and i have been stuck here for 2. Now my mom is unreachable and i find myself scared that she is dead. The police are at my house in norman and im in texas. I wish i had not chosen to come down here. Now i have to wait and hope and pray that she is okay. This is not the first time that this has happened though. I remember that while doing the dishes one night in 2006 or 2007 that my dad came in and told me that my mom tried to commit suicide again. I remember being completely shocked that she did that again. I thought she was doing okay...i thought she was getting better. My dad walked in and told me this and then got something to drink and walked away like nothing happened. I remember being completely shocked and then terrified and then angry. I wanted to break every dish in the kitchen but instead i just cried a little and then sucked it up and acted like it didn't bother me. I do believe that was the time we hAd to go clean out her apartment. My grandpa, my brother and i took an exhausting trip to muskogee to pack up her things and move it to storage. Her apartment was a disaster area. Gross moldy dishes in the sink, dirty laundry everywhere, a desperately nasty bathroom. I can still see the apartment at times like these.

At first i wondered if i should be worried about this. After all, it is completely normal of my mom not to answer the phone. But its abnormal for no one to be able to reach her at all. Its abnormal that she didnt get her money out of the bank today like she usually does, and its abnormal for her to be unresponsive to me calling and leaving messages like "mom, pick up the phone...now.. Im getting worried. Im gonna call someone to check on you if u don't answer now or call me back asap!" she doesn't like anyone worrying and she doesnt ignore us unless something is seriously wrong. Please be okay mom, please.

grieving...

why do i always feel like im not grieving the "right way"? if im not in my eating disorder 24/7, im not doing it right. if im not crying all day everyday, im not doing it right. if im not completely lost over this all the time, im not doing it right. if i laugh and have fun, it means im forgetting that my mom just died. Why do i feel like i need to be torn apart everyday because of this. I had such a good relationship and i am 100% sure that she would NOT want me to have to fight myself about how i take the news and life without her. She would not want me to be at war with myself 24/7, so why do i insist on feeling like i have to be?

my eating behaviors have started to get bad again. i dont want to eat because i feel like If I do, I'm not grieving the "right way" ...

update:
I started a new school yesterday ... I hadn't cried about anything since my moms funeral.. but yesterday I broke down a little.. I can't imagine how I'm gonna do this without my mom... I can't fathom death. I don't know what it means to really die, but I guess anyone who is reading this doesn't know either.. the counselors kept saying "you are going to have to work hard but u can graduate this year I bet" and "you have been through so much lately" and "I'm here for you whenever you need to talk or anything" but I don't believe the last one... people have Said that to me before and that's the last thing they did. they were there for me for a while, but after that they got tired of being there and they wouldnt even talk to me anymore.. I don't want to talk to anyone or let anyone be there I just want to do all of this by myself. you know what else I hate!? "I'm so sorry for your loss" and "things will get better!" ... NO THEY WON'T! NOTHING WILL GET BETTER WITHOUT MY MOM! there is always going to be a giant hole in my heart from the huge piece of me that left when my mom died. I find myself wanting to call her and tell her about my day at school and how I stuck up for some ones sister when he said she was insane. I find myself thinking that she is going to walk in the room and hug me and tell me she loves me. but that's never going to happen and that's a FACT! I need to just figure this out. on my own. okay I'm just rambling...I'm getting of here.. bye guys

In Loving Memory of My Mom

Dana Renee Vincent 

September 6, 1970 - March 14, 2012

This is my mom. Wasn't she gorgeous? There was never a day in my life that i didnt know my mom loved me. She was the most amazing, loving, and caring mother in the world and i could have never asked for a better one if i tried. My mom had problems, she was not a perfect person, but she did the best she could and i never doubted her love for me and my brother. She was working on her doctorate in Social Work at Capella University, online. She was a veteran of the United States Navy. She loved Texas Longhorn Football. One thing that i loved the most about my mom was that she was always willing to help others whenever she could. I remember that she told me when she let someone "borrow" something, she didn't need to be paid back, because it was a gift. Another thing i loved about her is that she loved to laugh. She could always find something to laugh about even when she was having a hard time. i remember one winter when we decided to go to the mall and when we got done, we called the taxi and had to wait for it to come, so we sat down by the wall of the mall, and started singing every Christmas song we knew.. most of them we didnt even know all the words to so we just made them up. one time, when it was just me and her and we were bored with nothing else to do, i put in an Aly and AJ CD and we sang "potential breakup song" as loud and bad as we could. in no way were we trying to sing the song well, we were just laughing, singing and dancing, without a care in the world. every time i was sad or upset about something, i would listen to that song and it made me feel a whole lot better.

i know its been a while since i have written, but i  have had a lot going on. i havent had my ipod or internet for a while. i came to texas to stay for a week when my mom was inpatient, and she was going to come down to texas to see my neice and i was going to go back to oklahoma to get back into the normal schedule. but that didnt happen. it will never happpen. things will never ever be the same. my mom got out of inpatient on the 7th of march and was supposed to come get me that day. instead, she changed her mind and wanted to stay in oklahoma for a week so she could get caught up on her school work. the last time i talked to her, it was the 10th of march and i never heard from her again. on the 14th of march, i hadnt heard from her -- no one had heard from her. i didnt want to believe anything was wrong so i just asked my brother to call and see if she would answer. when he found out how long it had been since we had heard from her, he called the Norman Police Department to do a welfare check. it took about an hour to get into the house and when they did, she had already died. the police officer then called me and told me. i didnt take it so well. i screamed and cried and pulled out grass and then shut down. we planned the funeral and attended that and all went well accept the military honors part (they thanked my brother for our FATHERS military service) ..

im doing okay now i guess... it still doesnt feel real. im trying to find it somewhere in me to let myself grieve the way i need to. to be vulnerable. to cry, to not cry. just to do what i need. it will happen, someday. i have hope.

Random Thoughts and The Butterfly Project

The worst feeling for me is not knowing what is going on. Feeling clueless. I am laying in bed after eating and trying to keep it since i havent kept anything in weeks. I feel dizzy a lot but its worse now. I havent been getting a lot of sleep so i dont know if im dizzy from that or if its bc im not eating enough. A friend texted me a picture today of her self injury cuts and it really triggered me. So i drew butterflies all over my body .. Everywhere i have old scars or new cuts, i drew a butterfly and wrote "for" and a name of a person i knew who was struggling ir has in the past struggled with self injury. It has helped alot. I have a total of 5 on various spots on my body and i am always seeing them. I wish i knew something like this that would help me want to eat more but im not sure what that would be. I dont know what this post was about but maybe the butterfly project will help someone who reads it. I sent a picture of each of the butterflies that had a name on it and was a bit surprised when i got the response "this made my day!" im extremely happy that i could help someone else and myself at the same time. Here is a picture of my butterflies and where i got the idea from:)

So ive been looking for ip treatment and it looks like my only option is a) the emily program somewhere in the us ... Possibly.. Or b) his mansion ministries in new hampshire

I could fill out an application for his mansion but i feel extremely hopeless right now and i don't know if i can commit to doing a year in treatment. I cant help but think about all the stuff i would be missing if i went. The new baby, isis, school, my whole family, jaynee, ann, everything i know.. Not to mention its a program that is based on christianity. Im so scared. I would rather stay in my ed. I know that is completely eating disordered but its how i feel. Im so confused. I dont know what i want. Do i want to get sicker or better? Honestly, sicker seems easier. I dont know if this is what i want. Im scared to do anything recovery related. Im staying up all night so i can go to church at 9:30 which is odd bc i havent wanted to go to church in forever. I am running out of options. I found myself wanting to take a shitload of diet pills or other things just to get my mind out of this rut. I dont even think that would help. I cant ever get to sleep before 5 am and i usually binge/purge between 4-5 and it is like some kind of switch is turned on inside of me and i cant help it. Im tired of ed. Im tired of being tired all the time. Im tired of my chest hurting and always feeling like I'm going to pass out. But is that enough to make me care enough about myself enough to seek help for this? Im really not sure. I hate myself. I feel like i dont deserve to be happy or healthy or lovable or loved by even myself. Idk, i just needed to get that out. Goodnight.

A letter to my mom concerning treatment

Dear mom,
I know the treatment thing has come up a few times, but it needs to come up again. You and i both know i have been crying out for help for a long time. Years. I dont know how else to say that i need help more clearly than i am now. I know you have noticed that i am not eating and and bingeing and/or purging when i do. Its never in between. I CANT take this anymore. Im dizzy all the time, moody, my hair is falling out, im cutting alot, my chest hurts and i no longer have the ability to be truly happy anymore. Im afraid to leave the house for fear that everyone will look at me and see how big i have gotten and laugh at me or judge me i want to cry when i eat and i feel like a failure for ever nourishing my body. I cant focus on school work because i cant think about anything except how much ive eaten or how many times i have purged that day. Im tired of feeling like im not good enough for food, or for happiness. I dont want to spend my whole life being afraid to look in the mirror because im scared of what i will see. Im tired of being annoyed about going to texas because of how little my opportunities to purge are and how much food we eat down there. Im tired of looking for my rib cage every morning when i wake up and being upset when i cant see it. Im tired of weighing myself multiple times a day and almost crying when the number on the scale doesnt go down. Im tired of not being able to feel anything except disappointment over food. Thats alot to hear, i know. Its alot to live. Im scared of treatment. Im scared of changing. But somewhere down inside me im also scared of dying. I think the scariest thing for me is that im not always scared of that. Sometimes i dont give a shit. Im scared of being the "black sheep" of the family because i cant be happy and i keep being hospitalized. I know you have been in the "not caring" place and the only way for you to get out of it was to be hospitalized and/or treatment. Please dont make me stay in this "not caring" place any longer. I cant find and get to treatment on my own. I need help and im asking for it. I can and will find another family member to help me if you wont. I love you but i need this. Please find and help me get to treatment soon.
Love,
Chelsea

Am i that sick? (possibly triggering...idk)

Rhetorical question, i guess. I am once again asking myself "do i want treatment? Is it worth it? Do i deserve it? Do i need it?" in the past week, ed has taken over. I can no longer tell the difference between his thoughts and mine. My friends are telling me i need to go or i will die, but i don't see it. And every time i do see it, it only lasts an hour or so. At about 4 am, i was in bed trying to sleep and i kept having visions of me not waking up ever. I decided that i would drink one of those breakfast essential drinks so i could sleep, but i made it and drank a couple sips and freaked out. I couldnt do it. I couldnt drink it bc it is waaaay over my calorie allowance for the day. And it was only 4 am. I dont know if i care that my calorie allowance for the day is something that i hit in just a quarter of one meal. Maybe less. I dont know if i deserve to have food. I dont know that i should be scared about this. I want to keep losing weight. I havent even lost that much to begin with. Unless u count where i was at the beginning of last year. If u look at that, hell yea, ive lost a ton. But its not like i lost that much in a month. It was a year and thats a long time.

I don't know where I'm going with this.. I can tell this post was extremely eating disordered and im sorry for that. I just needed to get it out.

Is ed a lifestyle?? No.

This is for all the proana people out there. I admit i am guilty of being one of them from time to time, but it is only at my sickest points. I saw a post on facebook from a friend that is outraged by someone on youtube saying that ed is a lifestyle-not a disease. It got me thinking. What makes a person say something like this? For me, it was a way i could keep myself in denial. If i was telling myself that it was a lifestyle, then i could change that lifestyle at any moment. But deep down inside i know that isnt true. Not one bit. Going through the process of recovery from an eating disorder, it is easy for me to start believing that im doing great and that im cured. That maybe it IS just a choice to eat and not purge. But then the next time i turn around, i find myself doubting if i was even sick in the first place. And then i start to miss what i thought i had through my eating disorder. Then the cycle starts again. I start feeling like i need to get back whatever it is that my eating disorder gives me. Then the thoughts about how fat im going to get if i dont start eating soon start rolling back in and i dont know what to do except listen. So i listen. I put myself in danger just to live a life that continues to make me punish myself if i eat. If you look up the word "disease," you will find that it means "abnormal condition, illness." Starving yourself and/or forcibly getting rid of food for any purpose is ABNORMAL. Having an eating disorder is similar to having a medical condition like fibromyalgia.. Fibromyalgia is chronic pain all over your body. You can get on the right medications and manage the symptoms, but it will never be totally gone. You can also manage an eating disorder by getting a treatment team that works for you, but an eating disorder wont be totally gone either.
What im trying to say through this post is that an eating disorder is not just a lifestyle. Its a manageable but not curable disease. Thats all. End of discussion.

Hmmm

So i havent posted for quite a while and its bc i havent really had much to
Say.. I have been trying to get back into the good-high-school-student mindset, but its just not working... I dont really care about school bc i dont find it worthwhile and it just stresses me out. Not to menttion, i cant avert my full attention to anything much less trying to do a million things for hework. I just dont see the point anymore. I applied for an alternative school today and im hoping that i will get in soon so i can have a chance at a new start. At this point, i feel it is my only option if i want to graduatE. The only thing stopping me from completely dropping out of high school is what my teachers and counselors, family and peers will think of me if i do. I wish i could do something for me. I wish my life wasnt consumed with what i think others think or feel about my situation. Not that i have asked any of them. I want to get into this program because i think it will give me a chance to get back on track and start over fresh. I wont have to worry about what my teachers know about my past and i can allow myself to take this opportunity and run with it.
Im struggling a lot with my body image right now. I feel absolutely huge and i feel the need to get back in my eating disorder. At least i can control this. It feels as if even school is out of my control since i cant seem to concentrate on anything for more than 10-15 minutes. Im not sure i have much more to say.... Ill try to think of something else and post later... Bye

communicatingg!

Good communication skills:
Making eye contact.
Nodding occasionally to acknowledge a strong point in the conversation.
Standing with hands clasped in front of you, never crossing your arms.
Not displaying nervous ticks such as wringing hands, picking at your nails, or anything that the person communicating with you will view as a distraction from their conversation.

So i went back to school today and overall it was a great day. There were a few rough parts, but i got through them. I have to do my senior paper for my AP English class this semester and since I havent been here the last few days, my teacher was explaining the project and i was listening. I have always thought i was good at looking at people during conversations and paying attention. However, today i realized that i am totally not good at it. I was talking to my teacher, and for the life of me I couldnt look her in the eyes. It was everywhere else but her eyes. At one point I  actually tried really hard to look her straight in the eyes and I couldnt do it. This caught me off guard and I didnt exactly know what to think about it. I still dont. It tells me that I need to work on really being engaged in more conversations. I am notttt a people person and I get anxious so easily. Its really annoying because i want to be able to give people my full attention and I dont feel like I was. Anyways, I was just thinking about that and I wanted to get that out. Peace outt:)

Update

Okay so my life has been ... Well, crazy. I am going back to school tomorrow for the first day this semester. Im nervous about what my teachers think about me now that i have missed the first three days or four days of the semester. I cant help but think that they think i am a slacker and i dont care about school. It was true for a few weeks but only because i just wasnt able to handle it. Ive effed up my senior year and i feel like ive let everyone down. My mom was telling my aunt that she didnt think i was going to graduate on time and then looked at me with a dirty look. I hate that i worked my ass off my whole high school career and then the year that counts goes to shit. Maybe it was wrong of me to think that i could graduate wit really good grades. Ever since i set that goal my life has gone nuts and i haven't done it at all. Okay i just needed to get that off my chest.
So alot has happened since i last posted. I went into the hospital for suicidal thoughts which were solely because of my eating disorder. I was not able to force myself to eat more than a few bites at a time and i didnt know how to try harder. I didnt know what was going to become of anything and i knew that i couldnt finish school like i had planned. I have been trying to get to a place where i can get somewhere in recovery i just have no idea how. My mom and i have talked many many times about treatment and now that i have medicaid, its just a matter of finding a center that will take me. The only facility my mom wants me to go to is in new hampshire abd i will be there for a year. A YEAR!!! Thats a really long time and i dont think im prepared to go that far away for that long. I live in oklahoma. Its a long way. I dont want to go into a treatment center if im not 100% willing to stAy when i get there. Its a waste of time and money that doesnt need to be spent. I went into the inpatient place expecting that they would do me good and they told me in the first ten minutes "no amount of treatment is going to help you. No amount of counseling, support, meds, anything will help you. You have to do it yourself." then they admitted me against my will and kept me there for eight days of hell. They put me on pristiq which didnt help one bit and fed us every two hours-mainly junk. They didnt notice me not eating or just didnt care until i passed out and hit my head on the counter and broke my nose. Then they took me to the er and brought me back and decided that they needed to be my "food police". Watching my every move and everything i put into my mouthi and charting it. Then tried to get me to drink ensure but didnt watch me enough to know i poured all of them down the toilet. Haha. They didnt realize that the other patients were actually asking for my food.
Im not trying to complain here, but i thought i was going inpatient for help. Not to get worse off in my ed. Its worse than ever and im still trying to get it under control. Im not sure what to say next..... Bye?

Purpose for this blog

Heres the thing: i started this blog as a journal and then people started looking at my blog and then i decided that i wanted to use it for a different purpose...that of trying to help people with or without eating disorders to understand more about what they are and how they work. Im not so sure i have done a good job at this. I read over my pervious blog posts and all i see is me complaining about how hard it is to eat and how frustrating it is to have eaten and have to fight with what seems like myself but is really something outside myself-ana, mia, or most commonly known as ed. At first writing this post i was going to say that i need to change the way i write. However by writing this ive figured out that i actually did a good job with that. If not, i did a good job explaining it in my opinion. If u read this blog and have any suggestioons, write me a note in the chat box at the right and/or comment. Thanks:)

Update

TRIGGER WARNING
okay so today is the second of January 2012 and as always i have had the thought of "im going to lose weight this year!" to say the least ..
i decided to add this app on my ipod and it was a writing prompt app. here are some of the questions and examples of  the first thing that always comes to mind when i read it.

1)
Q: What resolutions have you made for the new year?
A: Lose Weight. Lose Weight. Lose Weight.

2)
Q: What kind of daily rituals are calming or comforting to you?
A: Starving myself. Purging. Any Ed Behaviors.

3)
Q: List some of your accomplishments from last year.
A: -I lost weight. .. well, thats about all..

4)
Q: What are you reminded of when you smell chocolate or cocoa?
A: How fat i am. How much i need to restrict. how much i have already eaten that day. How much i cant eat.

So, as i was writing this, it felt like i was saying the same things i have said in all of my former posts. This is kind of true. However, it fits. Eating disorders, in my opinion, are all about the familiar. We do the same things to expect the same results. Doing anything else scares the crap out of us.

it seems like all im doing lately is obsessing about my weight .. riding a horse the other day and i was thinking "do i look fat while im up here? i hope not." I hope i will someday be free from this obsession but im not sure that im ready to give it up just yet. I want to be able to eat without feeling a million pounds heavier, but i dont want to be a million pounds heavier either. I will figure this out. I think im just rambling now.. if your reading this, please Post in the chat box on ----->> side of the screen and tell me what u think of my blog.. i need feedback! :) thanks, and happy new year!
Xoxo,
chelsea