Ugh. So, I found out that my grandfather has cancer. This was my worst fear bc he is 73 and I don't know that they will want him to do chemo. We already had one death this year, I don't need fear of another. And he is the last person I want that to happen to. But then again, who ever wants anyone they know to die. I haven't greived for my mom, I don't want to have to greive for him too. I'm not trying to be all negative and say right away that he is gonna die. I don't know if I could handle that. But I also dont want to make myself believe that it won't happen either bc I don't want a bombshell if it does. I don't know what in saying or if It makes sense....
In other news,
I've been struggling a ton lately. As u saw in my last post, I've been in hardcore relapse mode. I just can't handle things. Christmas without mom, body image, wedding planning, self-hate, and now grandfather has cancer. I don't know when I will want to get better but its definitely not right now. Last night, I made myself some food. But knew I couldn't keep it down... Idk why, bc I have barely had anything for weeks. So I make the food while Blake is sleeping, and then he wakes up in the middle of my cooking. I didn't want to eat it while he was awake and watching so I tried to urge him to go to bed since he had to work in the morning. I ate all I could (which wasn't very much) and then got some clothes and waited for Blake to start trying to sleep again. I couldn't wait too long and he was taking his time, so I went into the bathroom and tried to purge quietly ... To no avail. He opened the bathroom door saying "what are you....oh" and I screamed at him to get out. So he shut the door and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't stop. I had to keep going. Now I was pissed at myself for being stupid and getting caught which just drove me to do it harder and louder and more violently. Pretty soon, he was slamming the door open and we were screaming at each other. I finally stopped but couldn't get myself to calm down so I went outside and smoked without a jacket on ... Then decided that I would freeze the calories off. Took my jacket off, did 53 jumping jacks, then laid down on my jacket and shivered for about 15 minutes.
Never has it been this bad. At least I know that. Now its just a matter of figuring out how to get better.
I feel like I should apologize to Blake for acting the way I acted. I really am sorry. But I don't want to keep saying I'm sorry for things that I'm not sure are going to change. I could apologize to him today and we could have the same fight tomorrow. I have no way of knowing that. I'll put it here ne ways.
Dear Blake,
If u read this, which I know you probably will. I am sorry for the way I acted. I was sorry right after it happened but was scared to tell u. I cant promise that it will never happen again. If I promised u that now, u might be mad when it happens again. I love u. Always have always will.
-Chelsea
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