I passed the trust test!

So... I don't know if its all that big of a deal, but I did something yesterday that shocks, scares, and makes me happy.
Blake: "I have an idea but I don't know if its gonna work"
Me: "What's ur idea?"
Blake: "Well, we could go to golden corral and instead of making our own plates, we make plates for the other person. U make mine and I make yours. And we have to eat everything that is put on our plate."
Me: "Well..... I'm not sure..."
Blake: "Of course"
Me: "I am not saying no im just a little uncomfortable"
Blake: "okay"
5 minutes later
Me: "Okay, we can go but I'm not promising that I will be able to do it"

We got to the restaurant and then made each others plates. He didn't do that bad of a job. I only refused one thing only because it was gross and we both agreed.

Overall, I am semi proud of myself. On one hand, I am extremely proud that I was able to trust him enough to eat what he put on my plate. On the other hand tho, I still have this overwhelming feeling that I am a failure because I ate.

Recovery would teach me that this was the opposite of failing, and that I'm a tiny bit closer to happiness because of it. Ana, though, would tell me that I'm completely wrong for trusting him so much. That I should have never even considered the thought of letting someone else control my caloric intake and that I will always be weak and gross. Somewhere along the way I have to figure out which one I'm going to listen to... It's a tough one though. See, if I listen to the recovery version, I risk letting myself do it again. If I let myself do it again, I will feel more weak than ever and risk my worst nightmare coming true. If I listen to Ana, I don't do it again and therefore I dont have to worry about not being good enough.

I understand that this may not make sense. If I don't listen to ed I fail, and if I do, I could die. If I eat, I'm automatically unworthy of anything and everything good in life.
I'm really not sure what to take of this. I still have no idea what I want to do. So far, I've listened to Ana. I'm not sure when it will change...I'm scared of it changing. I've tried recovery so many times before that I know how hard it is and I don't feel like I have the willpower/strength to do it right now.

Anyways, that's all for now!
Chelsea