Rhetorical question, i guess. I am once again asking myself "do i want treatment? Is it worth it? Do i deserve it? Do i need it?" in the past week, ed has taken over. I can no longer tell the difference between his thoughts and mine. My friends are telling me i need to go or i will die, but i don't see it. And every time i do see it, it only lasts an hour or so. At about 4 am, i was in bed trying to sleep and i kept having visions of me not waking up ever. I decided that i would drink one of those breakfast essential drinks so i could sleep, but i made it and drank a couple sips and freaked out. I couldnt do it. I couldnt drink it bc it is waaaay over my calorie allowance for the day. And it was only 4 am. I dont know if i care that my calorie allowance for the day is something that i hit in just a quarter of one meal. Maybe less. I dont know if i deserve to have food. I dont know that i should be scared about this. I want to keep losing weight. I havent even lost that much to begin with. Unless u count where i was at the beginning of last year. If u look at that, hell yea, ive lost a ton. But its not like i lost that much in a month. It was a year and thats a long time.
I don't know where I'm going with this.. I can tell this post was extremely eating disordered and im sorry for that. I just needed to get it out.
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