grieving...

why do i always feel like im not grieving the "right way"? if im not in my eating disorder 24/7, im not doing it right. if im not crying all day everyday, im not doing it right. if im not completely lost over this all the time, im not doing it right. if i laugh and have fun, it means im forgetting that my mom just died. Why do i feel like i need to be torn apart everyday because of this. I had such a good relationship and i am 100% sure that she would NOT want me to have to fight myself about how i take the news and life without her. She would not want me to be at war with myself 24/7, so why do i insist on feeling like i have to be?

my eating behaviors have started to get bad again. i dont want to eat because i feel like If I do, I'm not grieving the "right way" ...

update:
I started a new school yesterday ... I hadn't cried about anything since my moms funeral.. but yesterday I broke down a little.. I can't imagine how I'm gonna do this without my mom... I can't fathom death. I don't know what it means to really die, but I guess anyone who is reading this doesn't know either.. the counselors kept saying "you are going to have to work hard but u can graduate this year I bet" and "you have been through so much lately" and "I'm here for you whenever you need to talk or anything" but I don't believe the last one... people have Said that to me before and that's the last thing they did. they were there for me for a while, but after that they got tired of being there and they wouldnt even talk to me anymore.. I don't want to talk to anyone or let anyone be there I just want to do all of this by myself. you know what else I hate!? "I'm so sorry for your loss" and "things will get better!" ... NO THEY WON'T! NOTHING WILL GET BETTER WITHOUT MY MOM! there is always going to be a giant hole in my heart from the huge piece of me that left when my mom died. I find myself wanting to call her and tell her about my day at school and how I stuck up for some ones sister when he said she was insane. I find myself thinking that she is going to walk in the room and hug me and tell me she loves me. but that's never going to happen and that's a FACT! I need to just figure this out. on my own. okay I'm just rambling...I'm getting of here.. bye guys