So ive been looking for ip treatment and it looks like my only option is a) the emily program somewhere in the us ... Possibly.. Or b) his mansion ministries in new hampshire

I could fill out an application for his mansion but i feel extremely hopeless right now and i don't know if i can commit to doing a year in treatment. I cant help but think about all the stuff i would be missing if i went. The new baby, isis, school, my whole family, jaynee, ann, everything i know.. Not to mention its a program that is based on christianity. Im so scared. I would rather stay in my ed. I know that is completely eating disordered but its how i feel. Im so confused. I dont know what i want. Do i want to get sicker or better? Honestly, sicker seems easier. I dont know if this is what i want. Im scared to do anything recovery related. Im staying up all night so i can go to church at 9:30 which is odd bc i havent wanted to go to church in forever. I am running out of options. I found myself wanting to take a shitload of diet pills or other things just to get my mind out of this rut. I dont even think that would help. I cant ever get to sleep before 5 am and i usually binge/purge between 4-5 and it is like some kind of switch is turned on inside of me and i cant help it. Im tired of ed. Im tired of being tired all the time. Im tired of my chest hurting and always feeling like I'm going to pass out. But is that enough to make me care enough about myself enough to seek help for this? Im really not sure. I hate myself. I feel like i dont deserve to be happy or healthy or lovable or loved by even myself. Idk, i just needed to get that out. Goodnight.