Update

Okay so my life has been ... Well, crazy. I am going back to school tomorrow for the first day this semester. Im nervous about what my teachers think about me now that i have missed the first three days or four days of the semester. I cant help but think that they think i am a slacker and i dont care about school. It was true for a few weeks but only because i just wasnt able to handle it. Ive effed up my senior year and i feel like ive let everyone down. My mom was telling my aunt that she didnt think i was going to graduate on time and then looked at me with a dirty look. I hate that i worked my ass off my whole high school career and then the year that counts goes to shit. Maybe it was wrong of me to think that i could graduate wit really good grades. Ever since i set that goal my life has gone nuts and i haven't done it at all. Okay i just needed to get that off my chest.
So alot has happened since i last posted. I went into the hospital for suicidal thoughts which were solely because of my eating disorder. I was not able to force myself to eat more than a few bites at a time and i didnt know how to try harder. I didnt know what was going to become of anything and i knew that i couldnt finish school like i had planned. I have been trying to get to a place where i can get somewhere in recovery i just have no idea how. My mom and i have talked many many times about treatment and now that i have medicaid, its just a matter of finding a center that will take me. The only facility my mom wants me to go to is in new hampshire abd i will be there for a year. A YEAR!!! Thats a really long time and i dont think im prepared to go that far away for that long. I live in oklahoma. Its a long way. I dont want to go into a treatment center if im not 100% willing to stAy when i get there. Its a waste of time and money that doesnt need to be spent. I went into the inpatient place expecting that they would do me good and they told me in the first ten minutes "no amount of treatment is going to help you. No amount of counseling, support, meds, anything will help you. You have to do it yourself." then they admitted me against my will and kept me there for eight days of hell. They put me on pristiq which didnt help one bit and fed us every two hours-mainly junk. They didnt notice me not eating or just didnt care until i passed out and hit my head on the counter and broke my nose. Then they took me to the er and brought me back and decided that they needed to be my "food police". Watching my every move and everything i put into my mouthi and charting it. Then tried to get me to drink ensure but didnt watch me enough to know i poured all of them down the toilet. Haha. They didnt realize that the other patients were actually asking for my food.
Im not trying to complain here, but i thought i was going inpatient for help. Not to get worse off in my ed. Its worse than ever and im still trying to get it under control. Im not sure what to say next..... Bye?