A letter to my mom concerning treatment

Dear mom,
I know the treatment thing has come up a few times, but it needs to come up again. You and i both know i have been crying out for help for a long time. Years. I dont know how else to say that i need help more clearly than i am now. I know you have noticed that i am not eating and and bingeing and/or purging when i do. Its never in between. I CANT take this anymore. Im dizzy all the time, moody, my hair is falling out, im cutting alot, my chest hurts and i no longer have the ability to be truly happy anymore. Im afraid to leave the house for fear that everyone will look at me and see how big i have gotten and laugh at me or judge me i want to cry when i eat and i feel like a failure for ever nourishing my body. I cant focus on school work because i cant think about anything except how much ive eaten or how many times i have purged that day. Im tired of feeling like im not good enough for food, or for happiness. I dont want to spend my whole life being afraid to look in the mirror because im scared of what i will see. Im tired of being annoyed about going to texas because of how little my opportunities to purge are and how much food we eat down there. Im tired of looking for my rib cage every morning when i wake up and being upset when i cant see it. Im tired of weighing myself multiple times a day and almost crying when the number on the scale doesnt go down. Im tired of not being able to feel anything except disappointment over food. Thats alot to hear, i know. Its alot to live. Im scared of treatment. Im scared of changing. But somewhere down inside me im also scared of dying. I think the scariest thing for me is that im not always scared of that. Sometimes i dont give a shit. Im scared of being the "black sheep" of the family because i cant be happy and i keep being hospitalized. I know you have been in the "not caring" place and the only way for you to get out of it was to be hospitalized and/or treatment. Please dont make me stay in this "not caring" place any longer. I cant find and get to treatment on my own. I need help and im asking for it. I can and will find another family member to help me if you wont. I love you but i need this. Please find and help me get to treatment soon.
Love,
Chelsea