Update

TRIGGER WARNING
okay so today is the second of January 2012 and as always i have had the thought of "im going to lose weight this year!" to say the least ..
i decided to add this app on my ipod and it was a writing prompt app. here are some of the questions and examples of  the first thing that always comes to mind when i read it.

1)
Q: What resolutions have you made for the new year?
A: Lose Weight. Lose Weight. Lose Weight.

2)
Q: What kind of daily rituals are calming or comforting to you?
A: Starving myself. Purging. Any Ed Behaviors.

3)
Q: List some of your accomplishments from last year.
A: -I lost weight. .. well, thats about all..

4)
Q: What are you reminded of when you smell chocolate or cocoa?
A: How fat i am. How much i need to restrict. how much i have already eaten that day. How much i cant eat.

So, as i was writing this, it felt like i was saying the same things i have said in all of my former posts. This is kind of true. However, it fits. Eating disorders, in my opinion, are all about the familiar. We do the same things to expect the same results. Doing anything else scares the crap out of us.

it seems like all im doing lately is obsessing about my weight .. riding a horse the other day and i was thinking "do i look fat while im up here? i hope not." I hope i will someday be free from this obsession but im not sure that im ready to give it up just yet. I want to be able to eat without feeling a million pounds heavier, but i dont want to be a million pounds heavier either. I will figure this out. I think im just rambling now.. if your reading this, please Post in the chat box on ----->> side of the screen and tell me what u think of my blog.. i need feedback! :) thanks, and happy new year!
Xoxo,
chelsea