Update.

I am so sorry guys. I haven't updated in SO long. Mostly bc I haven't had ne way of getting on my blog and I've been so totally in relapse mode its not even funny. And I didnt really have anything to say.

So much has happened. Thanksgiving was an epic fail. I relapsed about 10 days before and couldn't even deal with anything at thanskgiving. I was a train wreck. Ended up going to a party the next weekend and getting drunk and passing out. Man do I feel bad about that. I feel like ppl look at me way differently than before. Blake, my fiance, is so helpful and so loving, but I don't feel like I'm worth his love. I feel like I dissapoint him everytime I miss a meal. I just don't want to miserably fail at recovery again. Like every other time I have tried. REALLY TRIED, I mean. I guess part of me feels like I shouldn't be happy. Like I don't deserve it. I have no idea why, either. I love Blake n I want to spend the rest of my life with him but how in the hell can he love someone with this much fucking baggage. I dont know how I'm EVER gonna escape the grips of anorexia and just be happy. I ate dinner only for three days and then yesterday couldn't do it anymore. It's like I would somehow be failing myself if I ate. I'm just tired. Tired of Ana. Tired of exercise. Tired of Blake telling me he is worried bout me. Tired of my aunt asking me if I've eaten. I just want to go back to the way it was. I want to have my eating disorder in the background and have everyone think everything is okay with me.

Just. Like. It. Was. Before. My. Mom. Died.

That's enough for tonight. Imma go draw. Peace!