Murder in my hometown, Ed, feelings, update

Okay so I grew up in a small town in north Texas called burkburnett Texas and I have been with a church most of my life--Calvary baptist church. Well in about mid July of 2010, a murder occurred in that tiny old town of burkburnett. Tommy morrow, a former member of calvary baptist church, murdered his mother, Helen Clark. It strikes me in a weird way that this person that I loved so much and used to sit by during church services could do such a lovely women who I can only remember as being sooo nice. I'm not exactly where I am going with this post but I felt it necessary to express my confusion over this event. Turns out that my dad helped investigate tommys mothers death and that also kinda slapps me in the face. I don't understand how it Is so close to my home. To me. To my family. I heard tonight that tommy got only 20 years in prison for this crime. Knowing both the perp and the victim, I can't help but cringe at the thought of him ever getting out. It makes me wonder how safe that town actually is... That's all for this subject

In other news, I have been feeling like im just feeling sorry for myself and unsure about my role in life--what I'm here for. I have had an overwhelming sense of 'nobody needs me and I'm just bothering others so I need to keep everything to myself' feeling. However, I am trying to figure a way to combat this. I want to be in Ann and jaynee's life (and other friends as will but I can't name u all:) ) and I know they both like talking to me. Sometimes Ed likes to tell me I'm unworthy of these two wonderful people-and sometimes I believe him- but I dont want to have to believe him anymore. I don't want to have to think that I'm unworthy because I AM WORTHY of good friendship. I'm tired of doing everything Ed says even if it hurts me. Here are some lovely quotes that I desperately need to remember in order to combat Ed.
"Dude. Chill. I love you. You didn't do anything wrong. -Ann
You're silly. I need you. I care about you. Don't forget it." -Ann
UPDATE UR STINKING BLOG! I LOVE READING IT! -Jaynee


Update:
Well, the last paragraph was a big update so I don't want to write a ton more but there is some stuff that went on that I ddnt mention.
1) I've been missing a ton of school Lately bc I have been so depressed and uninterested in anything educational which is totally not like me.
2) I am pretty sure I'm changing therapists most likely after the new year just because I locked myself out of my phone and haven't been able to get the contact persons number and I won't get a new sim chip until New years. Anyways so I had a friend call a friend who called another friend who called me who is willing to find me an therapist who specializes in eds only. I was unsure of this being a good idea until I talked it over with my therapist about it. I asked her what she though and as always she said "your the adult I will back u either way but I do think it would be good for you" and it helped to ease my mind about the situation. Hopefully it will happen without a lot of wait time. *Fingers crossed*


And last but not least, behaviors.
I have been doing semi good not doing behaviors but it has been hard. I have been having some pain lately that has not been there before and I Thad some blood that came out when I purged earlier. Ed has just been on my case big time lately and I haven't been doing a good job at reaching out that much.

My iPod battery is going dead do I'm going to stop and charge it so goodnight


Xoxo,
Chels

Scared Outta My Mind Right Nowww

Okay so my mom and I live in these apartments that are nice and I always thought it was a safe neighborhood until last night. Everything was fine until about 10:30 pm. My mom and I decided we were hungry and wanted to get something to eat so we were gonna go to subway. (ik 10:30 is late bit I was hungry bc j hadnt eaten all day) we were on our wag out the door and I stepped into the foyer Abd there were two people that I had never seen before sitting in the staircase. We were just about to lock the door when my mom figured out we didn't have the keys, So we both went inside to look for them. We came out into the foyer again and one of the people were gone. I ddnt think anything of it. We walked outside and there were two it three other ppl running towards us. I was a little uneasy about this but I didn't want to show my concern over something I didn't know was wrong. We proceeded on to the car and went to subway. Went through the drive through and our car broke down. After a few minutes my Mom and I decided that we were going to walk back to the house and call my stepdad for help. We got back to the apartment and the ppl that we're there before were gone. I looked around the foyer like I always do and saw something that freaked me out so bad it's not even funny. My neighbors door has been kicked in and we didn't know if she was home before we left or not. I was seriously scared for her. We opened our door and I saw that our door had been messed with as well. I immediately jumped on fb and got my neighbors number and called her and left a message to call me back ASAP. Long story short I got ahold of her and she came back home and we called the police and made a report.

It's 3:27 am and I'm sitting in my living room I the dark practically jumping out of my skin at every sound. I'm not sure that in over reacting or not. I dont think I am. We had our security (is that the right word??) jeopardized and it really scares me. It pisses me off that I can't even sleep in my own bed bc I'm afraid someone will come to my window and look in my room or something. I have therapy tomorrow and I have no way to get to school so I will hopefully be able to get some of. This fear out of me with therapy... Hopefully...

Anyways I just wanted to check in and tell u what's going on... Until next time

Xoxo,
Chelsea

Another Incredibly Raw Blog Post.

WARNING: if u know me and dont like to keep your mouth shut, don't read this. If u don't know me and dont like to keep your mouth shut, dont read this.

Now that my intro is out of the ways I can begin to tell you what ha been going on in my life.

So I met this guy of whose name I willl not mention, about a month ago. He seemed like a really nice guy and a possible friend. I have been wanting to do drugs for a while now but never had them handed to me so I never did them. One thing that this guy had to offer me was drugs and it was the first thing he offered me. I gave in the first time he brought them up. I wanted son much to be out of mg head that I was willing to do anything to get there. U went over to his house and the first drug he introduced me to was meth. I really liked it actually because it stopped all of my racing thoughts and kept me focused. Although I'm not proud of this particular choice that I made, I am even more upset about the choices i made next. I invited this guy to my house. What ends up happening is that I end up getting raped without even knowing that was the case until almost 2 weeks later and after he is moved out of my house. I have heard many times that It is never the victims fault and I believe that; except in this case. In this case, I feel like it IS my fault and I need to get over it. I feel as if I should not say anything because if I hadn't done what I did this probably wouldn't have happened.

I haven't posted in a while because j didn't even know that I wanted to tell whoever reads my blog about the dumb ass mistakes I have made. I have decided that if I want to have. An honest blog, I am going to have to find a way to tell the truth about what has happened. Maybe no one reads my blog, idk. But even if that's the case I still feel like I need to learn and be comfortable with being honest.

Im just ranting now. Just so u guys know, I am no longer doing drugs and done them since that one-week stretch of bad decisions. It was experimental and it's not happening again. I'll keep you updated from here in out. Dont judge, thanks. :)

Typically Insane Thoughts Of Mine...

TRIGGERING

"You make me sick.
Why the hell did you eat that many calories in one day?!
You took diet pills for christ sake..
You're such a failure.
You eat so damn much and you don't even purge it; how dare you!?
Your going to get fatter ya know...
U already weigh a huge 122 and you should be ashamed of yourself! Tomorrow is a new day.
If u dont eat tomorrow or Wednesday m, maybe this could pass. But just remember what the chances of you ever being skinny are. Not lookin good for ya!"
Updated the next day :
Haha this probably makes absolutely no sense but it was what I was thinking at about midnight last night. Some of it I feel like is completely true in that j will never be skinny. Some people say 122 is amazing and they would kill to e that weight. However I don't feel it's all that it's cracked up to be. I'm done talking until next time..
Xoxo chelsea Xoxoxo

Just Another Blog Post About My Boring Ole Life!

TRIGGER WARNING.

So another week ends. The same kinda week that ends every Saturday evening. This Saturday is no different. I woke up, looked in the mirror and said "Geez your huge. you shouldn't eat today." i didn't eat very much today. after i ate the only thing i had today, i did something that slightly shocks me. i went to my safe, and pulled a box of laxatives out. i read on the back of the box how many is a normal dose for an adult and took twice what it said. Now im just waiting for them to kick in. within the past hour, i have been extremely tempted to take even more. These actions shock the healthy side of chelsea. the unhealthy part, which is the biggest part, couldnt care less.

My mom is one i have looked up to my whole life. Right now i know she is struggling a lot. She has gained weight and although i have noticed that she is not able to do the things she used to, i still love her tons and her weight changes nothing for me. However, i can tell that she is unbelievably unhappy about her weight and her size. she has started buying diet pills and exercise machines and other weight loss things. She doesnt want to leave the house because she feels as if she is the most ugly thing on the planet and NEEDS to stay in the house all day. Im worried. we've been through this before. Something always happens. When it does, she stops everything. She stops taking her medicine, talking to her therapist, going to AA, brushing her hair, taking a shower. she sleeps all day. She is late to pick me up from school. i can always tell when she is depressed, but i dont know what to do except to secretly be worried. I dont want her to stop eating, and honestly im not sure why i think she will, but it scares me. She bought diet pills, i took them from her. i dont want her to be unhappy, but even more than that, i dont want her to have an eating disorder either. Im not even sure if this makes sense. i dont know what to do. Alanon has been in my life in the past (for people who dont know what alanon is, its a program for family and friends of alcoholics. They work the same steps as AA and apply some of the same principles of AA except that they dont have problems with alcohol.) and i thought about going back, but im just not sure that i fit there. I tried to talk to my old sponsor but im just not sure if she gets it......

thats enough of my babbling:) until next time! thanks for reading!
love, chelsealou

Cast Party. Same Ole Drama. Making Progress??

So if you read my former posts you would know that I am in stage craft and we were doing the production of the Oliver [Twist] musical. Sunday was our last show and then we had to strike the set. It was not as bad as I thought it would be and we got done early enough that I allowed myself to go to the cast party. It was something that I was both excited and nervous about. We started strike at around 4:30 pm and finished at about 7:30 pm. I got a ride from another one of my stagecraft classmates, and was okay about it until i got to the party. I walked in, saw how many people were there and how much food was there and immediately wanted to go home. I hadn't eaten since about noon and i wasn't really hungry because of the diet pills i had taken earlier in the day. All the sudden i wanted to get the heck out of that place. Everybody hadnt even arrived yet and i already wanted to leave. i felt pathetic. i felt dumb. i felt like a complete failure because i havent ever stayed at a party because im too afraid im going to fuck things up - even if i wanted to stay to start with. So about 20 minutes after i got to the party, most of the cast members had arrived and my anxiety was building fast. Then pizza came into the room. Things like "i wonder if it would be really THAT bad to purge at a school party...." and "maybe i could just eat one piece and purge really fast and no one would notice.." came into my mind and it was starting to make me crazy. I didnt want to draw attention to myself so i tried to distract myself through getting something to drink. I went up to the counter, grabbed a drink, and a cup. The combination of too many people, too much food, and too much anxiety made my concentration like zero. I spilled the drink all over the table. Have you ever heard the phrase "Dont Cry Over Spilled Milk"? well, im still not exactly sure but i totally wanted to go purge and then cry like right then and there. instead of doing any of the things that i wanted to do, i borrowed a friends phone and called my mom to come pick me up.

Part of me feels super dumb for being as dramatic as i was last night, but the other part feels as if i made a lot of progress. Its really hard for me to say that i ever do anything good because i feel as if i am bragging. Im not sure. Comment :)

Missing. The. Dad. I. Never. Really. Had.

Laying here in bed- the time 12:38 am- on a school night, it comes as a shock to me that i wish i could lay my head on dads shoulder and just hear him say the words "i love you," just once. I dont think this is ever going to happen as i have waited my whole life for the day to come when it does. I havent seen, spoke to, texted, or even called my dad since about the beginning of august (unless u count his ONE text to me on my 18th bday saying only that -happy birthday) because he has never really acted like he wants to be in my life; or thats how it appears to me. As far back as i can remember, i dont remember him being a constant - just his unwillingness to act like my dad. I only have one picture of me and him together taken july 5, 2009 the day i moved from my dads back to my moms. Niether if us were smiling and it only pisses me off to think about how he has been in my sibling's life, but not mine. If you can see the picture, that is THE picture.. the only copy i have. .. whatever...... I need to sleep so thats it for now ... Questions? Requests for blog posts? -->> post them over here in the chat box and i will reply asap :) kay thankssh

update (triggering)

There is so much going through my head right now that i dont even know where to start. Part of me wishes i could just start crying in the middle of something important just for people to ask me whats wrong. That may sound selfish but the truth is that although i am always around people and putting on a smile, things in my life are rather shitty.

This post is not being written as one of my complaining sessions, i just want someone - anyone - to know how i REALLY feel at the moment.

Im not even sure where to start. Shall i start with what happened on friday? Sure, why not??

In english we are reading a book called The Bluest Eye. Im not sure how to explain the book but if u want to know more just google it. Anyways, i have sexual abuse history in my background and in this book, there is a scene in which one of the charachters gets raped. I rwad this part of the boook probably 10 minutes before my group was supposed to discuss this chapter of the book. I was feeling semi-okay about this part until i tried to think about this part and comment on it. After that i pretty much freaked out. My heart started pounding in my chest, tears formed in my eyes, and i felt like i was going to have to get out of that chair right then and there. i tried to keep myself from crying and i didnt want to draw attention to myself during class either. Luckily, the discussion ended rather quickly ( looking back) and i was able to calm myself down enough to ask the teacher how much worse the rest of the book was going to be. I got out of school and immediately told my mom i needed to get something to eat. I had no desire to eat but since i had not eaten all day and i had class until 7 or 8 pm that night, i needed to eat now or ii wasnt going to at all. i got a subway sandwhich and went on to therapy.

today is sunday. i am still trying to recover from the intensity of the anxiety attack that i had on friday. i dont know why i am still freaked out over the book, why i am still thinking about that scene in the book, but i cant seem to get it out of my head.

i have noticed how my eating patterns have gotten considerably worse this last week due to stagecraft. today i bought laxatives to use to purge with. i have never done that before, and the fact that i went through with buying them scares the living shit out of me. Luckily for me, i have school and then stage craft so i wont be able to use them for a while. I want to go to inpatient treatment. i dont think it is going to happen though. i have no insurance, and my mom is refusing to take me until after i graduate high school. im honestly not even sure i will be able to graduate ontime, because i am going through so much shit right now. i need to get away. i need to focus on recovery and go back to high school when i can. im losing weight faster than i have in a long time. it confuses me though that my mom makes comments like "im not so much concerned with you not eating as i am with your thoughts." i understand where she is coming from, but it doesnt take away the fact that half the time i am going without food because i cant force myself to eat for fear of gaining weight.

i honestly dont know where i am going with this, but i needed a place to tell someone where i am right now in my life. i hope i can get better, but i dont have much hope at the moment. goodnight.

poetry 2

Trigger Warning

Chained.

Have you ever been chained,

To a world of this obsession?

Never knowing a way out…

I have,

The chain is locked.

It wont release its grip on me

Someday I will find

A way out of this world

A world I never wanted to be in anyways

It was just a simple diet

At least that’s what I wanted it to be.

Maybe there’s a chance

That its something I did wrong.

Could I have prevented it?

Would it have stopped me?

What Would It Be Like

TRIGGER WARNING

I wonder what it would be like to be able to eat normally. To not feel like im gonna gain 10 lbs after 1 meal. To not have to think about how many calories are in a piece of toast or to not have to stick my finger down my throat to throw up the food i cant believe i just ate. To not have to fight with myself about whether everyone thinks im fat or if its just me and my disease. To not have to figure out whether i HAVE a disease or not. Would it be easier? Would it be better? Would i be happier? Will i ever be able to live a life without this?
Ed has a hold on me right now. A bigger grip than he has ever had on me. Im struggling to find my way out of the fog that he has me in. Looking at the number on the scale, i cant help but ask myself how it got that high. i dont understand. i dont understand at all. i think "the number needs to be smaller. Much Smaller. Maybe if it was smaller - much smaller - i would be happier." but at the same time, I cant imagine being happier because thats just it - i havent truly been happy in a very long time. I have had an eating disorder and/or disordered thoughts for so long that i have no recollection of what it was like to look in the mirror and not completely despise what i see.
Should i just try to deal with this on my own? Should i just accept the fact that im not gonna have good eating patterns for the rest of my life - that im doomed? i honestly dont know anymore. BLAH.

Inspiring Songs :)

hey guys, this is a list of songs that i REALLY enjoy and that give a lot of hope in each. they are all of different genres but they are all great. sorry, i tried to get it to go straight to the video if u clicked it, but it wouldnt do it
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS TO ADD TO THIS, I WILL BE GLAD TO ADD IT! :)

WOW.

WOW. Honestly, i need to vent right now. I have been working my ASS off in recovery from this eating disorder stuff, and its like every time i tell someone other than my sponsor (as AMAZING as she is) about my progress in recovery, i get the feeling that it is not good enough.


me: "i ate lunch today"
person i was talking to: "what you ate is not healthyenough! you should have eaten more, and you didnt eat with people. YOU NEED TO EAT WITH PEOPLE!"
person i was talking to: "so how is your EDA program going?"
me:"i got the chance to help someone from eda and im very happy that i succeeded.."
person i was talking to: "wait, how can you help someone if your not doing that well with recovery yourself?! i just dont want you guys to bring each other down!"


person i was talking to: "so how are you doing?"
me: "im doing okay"
person i was talking to: "obviously not because your hair is not washed, and you were slouching in your chair earlier"


me: "its going reallly good! i am doing this two-way sponsorship thing and we help each other a lot"
person i was talking to: "well apparently its not going too good, because were still purging"
me: "it doesnt happen over night. i havent been doing it that long, it takes time."
person i was talking to: "well, people come to AA and they stop doing behaviours. either you do it or you dont."

Honestly, i dont understand the conversations above. I didnt write the whole conversions out, but what i did write was in chronological order. It feels as if i cant do anything right. its like i have to keep everything in, and i have to celebrate my successes by myself or with my sponsor only. (nothing against you ann) .. i just want to be able to tell people the things that i do good without them pointing out what i did wrong. I am trying to learn how NOT to have to be perfect 24/7 and these conversations scream to me that i do. i feel as if i am constantly having to defend myself about the good i have done in recovery. yes, somedays are bad; somedays are HORRIBLE. somedays are just plain crappy. However i am doing THE BEST I CAN.. Im not sure where i am going wit this so i am just gonna stop talking.. bye

poetry 1.. (could be triggering)

Ana

I was happy and felt okay

but that was never meant to stay

i had no friends even though i tried

especially when she came inside

-

she made her nest inside my head

and changed the way i felt inside

i began to hate the way i look

drastic measures i then took

-

i began to starve

all the time

eating just felt like a crime

-

the numbers on the scale went down

but all she ever did was frown

she told me that it wasnt good

and that i need to refuse food

-

i tried again, i tried my best

but yet again, she would not rest

she yelled and screamed inside my head

she said i wasnt to be fed

-

so there it goes;

i just dont eat.

but that's all too bittersweet.

Talk Ed. Now. Get It Out And Leave Me Alone.

so, i am at a loss for words right now. i am thinking words, but I'm scared that my words will be triggering. i don't know where else to go to say this so i am just going to come here. i keep taking pictures of myself and i look absolutely HUGE in all of them. there are a couple of them that i have to put on a public website and i cant stand the sight of them.. i feel like I'm losing it. like recovery isn't the best thing for me right now because all it is doing is making me fatter than i was. is it supposed to be like this? ed is screaming at me right now. i think i need to let him talk. i cant keep it in anymore.

you are huge.

you are a failure for eating lunch today.

if you keep eating, you will never be skinny enough.

you will never be perfect.

i hate you.

Keep staring at this picture

it clearly shows how fat you are

your arms, your stomach, your face.

everybody hates you.

your not smart.

you never will be good enough.

you dont deserve ann.

you dont deserve food.

you dont deserve ANYTHING.

dont cry now.

if you cry, your weak.

you cant be weak.

ever.

FAT.

FAT.

FAT.

FAT.

all you will ever be is FAT.

On my Birthday

Thinking about what i should talk about when posting a blog on my birthday is a difficult thing. I wonder should i talk about the past year, or should i talk about what has been happening today. I have to say, both are pretty important. ... i guess i will start with what has happened this past year.


wow, year 17 was both a good and a bad year.
The good part was that i found Alanon, i got to move back in with my mom, i got to develop a relationship with my neice, and i have been able to actually get somewhere in  my recovery from cutting. As of today, it has been 27 days since i cut last. Thinking back to earlier times when i wasnt so far in that recovery, 27 days seemed absolutely IMPOSSIBLE. I would like to go as long as i can without cutting though. It doesnt seem worth it anymore. Before, i would have done anything and everything i could to get ahold of a razor to tear skin with. Now, I think about it mostly every day, but the fact that i havent acted on it despite that i know where my razors are.
The not-so-good part was that my eating disorder has gotten pretty well out of control, and my relationship statuses have almost dissappeared. Not just boyfriend/girlfriend relationships-friendships, and support relationships too. I cant seem to let anyone in anymore. i dont feel like i deserve good healthy relationships, and especially not support. i feel like i am too needy, and i need to do this all by myself. Part of me thinks that i need to do this by myself because if i dont, i will be bothering everyone. Although i know that this is just ED talking, it is still very hard to quiet the voice that says that


my day today:
telling you what happened today reallly wouldnt make sense if i didnt tell you what happened yesterday too. So, yesterday i went to lunch at Wendy's with my friend catarina and her boyfriend David. I really had a lot of fun, and laughed more than i had in a while. I was trying my best to be determined to not purge what i ate when i got to school. I was late to class, and that is something i REALLY hate doing. Then i had a quiz for chemistry. The quiz was completely easy, but the 2 events sort of sent me into a frenzy. ALL i could think about the whole time i was taking the quiz was purging. I tried to focus on the quiz and i got finished with that in time to spare. Immediately after i got done with my quiz the sick part of my brain started thinking of a way to get to the bathroom to purge during classs. Sooner than i knew what was happening, i was on my way to the bathroom. I asked the teacher if i could go get a kleenex from the bathroom to blow my nose. i got in the bathroom and could barely stop myself from throwing up everything. Not only did i throw up the food that my friends boyfriend was nice enough to pay for, i lied to my teacher. This kept me in the purging mode all day. I purged 2 more times when i got home and still wanted to do it even when there was nothing in my stomache. I talked to a friend on facebook about this event, and i came to the conclusion that i should come clean about what happened yesterday.
I woke up for school this morning, looking forward to starting this day off great. i went to my zero hour, and focused as much as i possibly could. Then STRETCH (20 minute period of time used for tutoring by teachers) came around and i started the journey to spill my guts. I was quite calm when i walked in the science building at my school, and stayed that way until i got into the classroom with this teacher. Although i trust her very much, and really like her as a teacher, i was still completely frantic about what i was going to say. as soon as i got into her room and set my stuff down, pacing started, and i completely freaked out. She calmed me down a bit by offering a much needed hug. I then started with "eating is .. well .. probably one of my biggest fears". I then told her everything about the day before, and it turned out really well. She told me she wanted to help me, and that she would like me to talk to my counselor about this. I used to be very very close with my old counselor, mrs moring, but needless to say, we have definitely grown apart. I dont feel like i can go talk to her, because i feel like i would be bothering her. That she is to busy for me, and i just need to take care of things on my own. Im not sure whether im going to go along with my teachers advice, but i really want to give this a chance. I did tell my teacher what was going on, therefore i dont want to deny the help she wants to give me. Anyways, that was my day. It was completely stressful, but it was also good because i know i have made at least some progress with letting people in. We will see how it goes from here. im gonna stop talking now and get to sleep though. NIGHT!

my life story

Well, this would be my full life story. I am putting as much info into this as possible. Here goes, hope you like me!
-
Okay, so I was born on September 1, 1993 in Wichita Falls, Texas. I have one older brother, named Michael. My mom’s name is Dana, and I don’t consider him “daddy”, but the guy who chose to put his name on my birth certificate even though it wasn’t biological is named Daryl. When I was 3, my mom was in the Navy and we were stationed in Corpus Christy, Texas. I remember a few things about living there, like cutting my hair, being able to ride my bike, sleeping over at a neighbor’s house and getting scared and sneaking out and going to where we lived looking for my mom-who was at work. I don’t remember where my dad was at the time, but I can’t remember if this happened after my dad moved back to Wichita Falls to be with his other family, or not.

Most of my life, my brother and I lived with my mom, and life was always pretty unstable. My mom has a mental illness. She is diagnosed with PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), Borderline Personality disorder, as well as Bipolar Disorder. Going back as far as I can remember, the first memories I have after the ones I had from Corpus, were when I was 4. My mom, being a single mother of 2, did what I would guess most single mothers would do. She tried to find people to help her with her kids. She also tried to get away and go out as much as possible. Maybe this isn’t normal but I’m not sure what “normal” is. I guess you could say that our life was always pretty abnormal, no matter what I like to think. From the earliest time I can remember, my mom, brother, and I moved about every 3-6 months. My mom was moving us in with complete strangers sometimes, people she barely knew for more than maybe a couple of weeks. Anyways, when I was 4, she met this guy named Fred. Fred had 2 kids, Jonathan and Eric. Jonathan was about 14 and Eric was about 9 or so. We moved into a beat up rugged looking trailer park thing with Fred and his 2 sons. The memory that sticks out in my mind about that time of my life was that one of the rooms had a lock on the inside of it. I remember seeing the lock and being like “MOM, I want THIS room!” and my mom saying no, because that room was Jonathans. I remember that the house was a 3 bedroom and Jonathan had one room, Michael had another, my mom and fred had the other, and that left me an Eric with a full size bed in the living area. I remember one night I woke up and realized that I was in Jonathan’s arms. I was half asleep and he was taking me to his room. He then locked the door and laid me on his bed, and waking me up long enough for me to take my underwear off. I don’t know how I did this, but I remember that I kept slipping in and out of sleep the whole time, and I do not remember waking up back in my own bed. Im not sure how many times jonathan did this, but I do know that every time he took me back into his room, he molested me. He performed oral sex on me, and did a lot of touching.
 My mom says that we moved out of the house that we shared with Fred and his kids after about a month. I don’t know why, but after we moved out of this house, I completely forgot about all the abuse that happened with Jonathan. I don’t ever remember thinking about this at all until 3rd grade.
-
Im not sure what happened next, but my mom kept moving us around. The next thing that I remember happening was that when I was in 2nd grade, my mom met her biological family. She was adopted and had never known her biological family. I remember the day that we met her family, I was at the YMCA in Wichita and I got in an argument with a person named Danielle. I didn’t think anything of it until that night when my mom was on the phone and came up to me and was like “did you get in a fight with Danielle?” I was like “who the heck is that?!” Well, a few hours later, Danielle, Sierra, and Caitlynn, cousins that I didn’t know about came over to meet us for the first time. I just remember that we ran around the apartment complex that we lived in all night. It was one of the best nights of my life.
 -
Then comes 3rd grade. The grade that a million and one things happened. I was in a class with 19 other kids, all who were colored. Now, I am not, nor will ever be racist, but I say that because I was the only white kid in the class. INCLUDING the teacher! Needless to say, that was a tough year. I was bullied non-stop all year, and it seemed like no one even cared. One day we came in from recess, and I was sitting in my desk when one of the girls in my class came up and slapped me in the face out of no-where. I was scared that they were all going to join in and beat me up, so I started crying. Everyone just started laughing and I was furious. I always liked school, but that year, I never wanted to go to school and I definitely didn’t want to have anything to do with school work because I felt like no one cared anyways, so why was I going to bust my butt in school? They decided to give me a mentor, and I was really excited because all the other kids had mentors, and I wanted one too. All of their mentors were high school kids, and I just assumed that I would get a high school mentor too. I wasn’t that lucky, you see, I got a mentor who was about 50 years old, and was always on  my butt about school work and I didn’t like it at all.  Well, school was going horribly, but things at home were okay. My mom let a guy named Jason move in with us, and I liked him quite a lot. About this time, I had started remembering the abuse that I suffered at the hands of Jonathan. I don’t know when or how or why, but I woke up one night in my moms bed and simply said “mom, remember jonathan? He molested me.” Some people ask me what my mom did after I told her, and the answer was that she took me to coffee at Denny’s down the road from where we lived. I know that we filed a report against jonathan at the police station, and I had an exam done by my pediatrician to see if he did any damage to my insides during the abuse, but that was about it. My mom didn’t get me into therapy or anything else until my freshman year of High School.

 4th grade was about the time that my eating problems started to come into play. I don’t think I had a full out eating disorder at the time, but I do remember that I did A LOT of restricting at the time. I remember that I was only 60 or so lbs and I didn’t tell anyone but I always thought I was fat. I knew that my body was beginning to change, so I would secretly get in trouble at school, so I would get to exercise. I went to a charter school, so if we got in trouble, we had to run around the courtyard. I didn’t have very many friends, but I do remember that the few friends I had, I confided in about the abuse. I feel that that was probably part of the reason why they didn’t stick around long. I was in 4th grade, my friends didn’t know how to deal with that!

-

5th grade was a funny year. I don’t remember a whole lot about that year, mostly because I didn’t do very much. My mom was very unstable at this time, and was having a hard time keeping my brother and I in school, so she decided to homeschool my brother. Well, of course I used this to my advantage! I liked school, but I got the chance to stay home from school every day and I used that to my advantage. I conned my mom into “homeschooling” me too. Our idea of homeschooling was sitting at home all day and doing nothing. My mom worked 12 hours a day from 12 noon to midnight. I like to say that I didn’t really go to fifth grade because it was true. We said I was going to school, but neither my brother, myself, or my mom were equipped to homeschool.

-
 Next comes 6th grade. The summer before my 6th grade year, my mom got a job in Duncan Oklahoma so there we moved! We moved into a very nice house in Duncan, next to our landlord, a 60 year old man. I really thought he was nice, he treated my brother and I very nicely. He took us out to dinner, he let me drive his truck (weird), he said I looked like Hilary duff (weirder), he always called me beautiful. These were all things that I desperately needed to hear, as I didn’t have very good self-esteem at the time anyways. He always walked with me to the park, and a lot of the time, I ended up playing in the creek at the park. When I think back, I remember always thinking that he was going to touch me and then somehow I pictured myself dead in the very creek that I was swimming in. I really liked his company, and I thought he liked mine, and I thought it was just because I was a cool person. I soon found out that I was wrong. One night really late, I wanted to go to the park, like always, and I decided to ask him to go with me. (why, I have NO idea!). We were having a very nice time at the park and I remember being on one of the swings, and I don’t remember how I got off, but somehow I got off, and before I knew it, I was in his arms and he was kissing me on the lips. As soon as I could, I was out of his arms gathering my dog and running home. I was terrified of the dark, but I knew I had to get home as soon as possible. As soon as I got home, I went straight to my room. I absolutely knew that I needed to tell my mom what he did, but I just didn’t know how. All the sudden, I had an idea. I made myself start crying, and went into the living room and got in front of her where she could see me. She took one look at me and was like “Chelsea, whats wrong?!” I just broke down and told her everything that happened. I remember her looking really upset and pushing me up off her lap and running out the door to confront him about this. The whole time I was running home, he was behind me saying stuff like “no one will believe you, I will hate you forever, why are you doing this?!” I knew that she was going to confront him, and I was completely terrified so I started screaming at the top of my lungs “DON’T GO MOM, PLEASE DON’T GO!” I remember that my brother came out of his room and had no idea what was going on. I cried all night because I was so upset thinking that he would hate me. After that, our landlord kicked us out, saying that we lived like “filthy niggers” or something along the lines. I was glad to get out of that place, it had way too many memories for me. School was going rather horribly at this point. My brother had dropped out of school at this point, and I was pretty much on my way towards doing the same thing. I hated my teachers and since I didn’t go to 5th grade, I didn’t know anything about what they were trying to teach me. My teachers pretty much hated me too, except for 1, mrs bowling. My mom was very very unstable at this point, she quit her job at the hospital in Duncan, and my brother and I didn’t know it, but she was really suicidal. She was going to a lot of AA meetings at the time, so I thought she was doing great. I had no idea she was depressed until one day in April 2006, when my mom dropped my brother and I off at the YMCA and went to an aa meeting. We tried to get her to go swimming with her, but she wouldn’t. she said she would come back and go swimming with us. She didn’t come back. My brother and I waited until like 11 or 12 pm with no idea where my mom was, and no one to call. I cant believe that thinking back I didn’t think anything was wrong. I thought maybe she had gone home and went to sleep and forgot to pick us up. That is until her AA sponsor came to pick us up instead of my mom. She told us to get in the car, and when we did, she asked us if there was anything that we knew of that my mom could have gotten ahold of that could make her sick. I didn’t know what she meant. I later found out tht my mom wnt to that AA meeting to take a whole bunch of pills trying to kill herself. My moms sponsor’s next question was “who can you call to come and get you?” I called my aunt carolyn and she came to get my brother and I the next day. We ended up moving to my dads. They were going to send me to my aunt lana’s, and my brother to my dads, but I insisted to go with my brother. I couldn’t handle being separated from him too, and I missed my dad.
-
 The next two years were both sad and great. I had no idea where my mom was, and if she would be alive the next week or not, but at the same time, I had tons of friends and I was making A’s and B’s in school. My eating on the other hand was not so great. When I first moved to my dads, my little sister, 8 at the time, decided that she wanted to tell me I was fat. I never thought of myself as chunky, and didn’t even think I had any problems with food. Until she said stuff like “you weight sooo much chelsea, you need to go on a diet!” I didn’t care what I ate, or how much. After she said that, it was on, I started completely restricting, and barely eating anything but a piece of cheese every couple of days.

 I stayed at my dads until the summer before I started high school. My mom was doing A LOT better, and I wanted to get out of my dads abusive household. I moved to my moms house, and I was doing GREAT until my mom got engaged. Until my mom got engaged, I hadn’t had a guy living with us since Jonathan and fred. My mom got engaged to a guy that was about the age of the landlord that I was kissed by in ’06. The moment I found out that my mom was engaged to this guy, I went NUTS. I started having flashbacks and envasive memories, I wouldn’t eat, I COULDN’T eat. I felt so sick all the time. I started to get suicidal and started going into hospitals every 2 months for 2 years. My mom got married on October 18, 2009, and 4 months after that, my moms husband got sick, and tore up our house and everything in it. After that, my mom and him separated and things didn’t get very much better from there. I still had to deal with a lot of chaos with my mom after that. In mid 2010, I came home from school to my mom telling em that she was going to commit suicide. I really didn’t know what to do! By this time, I have had to put my mom in the hospital several times. On that day, after my mom wouldn’t let me have the phone so I could call her therapist, I went next door to use their phone. I couldn’t get ahold of her, so I went back inside to our house and my mom begged me to go out to eat with her – and said I could call in the morning if I needed. I went to school the next day and went to my counselor’s office, told her what had been goin on, and she had been wanting me to go back to my dads for a while. So I called my moms therapist and then made the dredded call to my dad telling him that I needed to come back to texas with him. I packed up and moved later that day, for close to 9 months. I moved back with my mom in January 2011, to find that my eating disorder had gotten worse than ever. I started restricting like crazy, not eating very many calories at all in the beginning of the year, and purging that.

 Now, my eating disorder is semi-okay, although I fear that It will get a whole lot worse when school starts. I haven’t been in the hospital now for 2 months, and I am SOOOO proud of myself for that. Earlier this year, I went into the hospital just about every 2 weeks or so. My PTSD symptoms are still quite strong, I have very invasive thoughts and memories, and I am working on dealing with them now. I will turn 18 in 11 days, and I haven’t cut in almost 2.5 weeks. I know I haven’t talked about my cutting very much during this, but that is definitely an addiction I have. Anyways, well, this is my story!  I hope you liked it.. Message me if you have any questions at all, I will be glad to answer them!

It still hurts - even today.

Im  sitting at my computer, trying to think of a way to put into words how hurt i am right now. It really doesnt make sense to me how my mom can be so quick to say what she says without ever thinking, time after time.

a few minutes ago, i was sitting in the car with my mom, and i was telling her how i wanted to take the courses i didnt get to finish over again. i didnt get to finish them during my sophomore year, because i came home from school one day to find my mom drinking, and telling me that she wanted to commit suicide. Although this came to me as a bit of a shock, it wasnt like i hadn't ever heard this before. In fact, she has tried many more times than i can count to kill herself. i came home, and found her with the biggest cup of booze i had ever seen her with, and asked her what was wrong. She said "im a slut, i should die. im a horrible mother." she kept repeating this over and over again and although i knew none of these things were true, i knew this was nothing to overlook, and that i had to do something quick. She would not let me have the phone because she didnt want me to do what i needed to do in this situation, so i immediately went next door to use the neighbors phone to call her therapist. I could not get ahold of her therapist, and i was really scared at this point. i didnt know if my mom was going to try to commit suicide again like she said she was going to, but she kept begging me to go out to eat and to forget about it. i reluctantly gave in. I remember that we went to Applebees, then we went home and i made sure she got to sleep before writing in my journal and going to bed.

I got up and went to school the next day, wondering what i should do about this. I ended up getting out of class and going to my old counselor, Mrs. Morings office. I told her what had happened the previous day, and i told her that i needed to do something, and as much as i didnt want to, i thought it would be best to go back to my dads. Mrs. Moring and I talked about what other options there were besides going to my dads. I didnt really think that there were any options at the time. As much as i hated to call my dad and tell him that i needed him to come get me and i needed to come live with him again, i knew that the chances of my mom fully committing to treatment with me still living with her would be slim. I called my moms therapist and told her what happened, and she agreed with me that i should go back to my dads. I then called my dad. this was the absolute hardest thing ive EVER had to do. I knew that my dad would take me off my medicine and wouldnt let me go to therapy either. However i bit the bullet and went anyways. My mom went to a 7 week PTSD treatment program, and got herself stabilized and i came back to live with her after 9 months.

My mom has a habit of saying "its YOUR fault that you went to live with your dad that day - not mine." which hurts me every time she says it. It makes me feel like what i did that day was not the right thing to do. i feel like i was selfish for going to live with my dad and i shouldnt have done anything about what she was telling me. I just want to lay in my bed and cry right now, because her saying that again just makes me feel like a piece of crap. Im not sure how i should feel about this, but as soon as i got home i purged everything i had in my stomache. I couldnt take the feelings that were coming up after she said that and being in norman high again. I dont know where my journey is going to go from here, but i am and forever willing to put my mom BACK in the hospital if this ever happens again. Sometimes i regret my decision, but for the most part, i know that my decision was the right one. Im desperately hoping that i will never have to do this again, because it was one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life.

anyways, im done venting for now. Ill be fine i guess, as long as she starts remembering what part SHE had in it.

So many questions, yet so little answers

So, i have been on a really bad sleep schedule lately and its kicking my butt. I should probably be just waking up right now, instead i am still awake having not gone to bed yet..

ive been thinking alot about what im wanting to do in my life, and it seems as though all my life is forever going to be consumed with Ed. Even knowing that, i still dont know if i am ready to give this up yet. I know it is killing me, and i know i am not going to be able to function and pass school without food and proper sleep, but i feel like i need to lose weight more. I lost weight at the beginning of this year and when i stopped bein able to lose weight, i havent lost anymore since.. i was happy at this weight for a while, and now its just not enough anymore.

I was in my EDA meeting yesterday afternoon, and we were talking about how its NEVER enough .. how its never going to BE enough..

I remembered telling a friend who i am in support group with that once i get to a certain number i would be good, and i could think about recovering. The next thought that popped into my head was "BUT if i could get to this smaller number i would be even better!" and my friend was like "even if you get to that number, its still not going to be enough!". i proceeded to tell her "yes, your right! when i get to the second number i still ideally would want to be 15 lbs lighter!" ..

And logically, if i KNOW its never gonna be enough, WHY do i still constantly think about getting to that 3rd number?! why is it ALWAYS in the back of my head? If i know this is bad for me, and i know this could kill me, WHY the heck do i keep doing it.

Anyways, so ive been thinking about going to treatment at a place called Mercy Ministries. Its a free inpatient treatment program and they treat people with eating disorders, as well as people who have had sexual abuse trauma history and/or drug abuse history. My only problem is being able to tell if i am "sick" enough to go. People that i talk to on a regular basis are telling me that i need help and that im gonna die from this if i dont get help soon, but i cant see it! i cant see it at all, and THATS what scares me the most! i mean, seriously, i went over a week without keeping ANYTHING down, and purging 3-5 times a day, and doing over 2 hours of exercise in one day in 108 degree heat, but i ... ugh i just dont know if its really that bad. Is this really that abnormal? its what ive been doing for quite a while, and i cant remember the last time i had a decent relationship with food. Probably in denial. thats what it is. .... uhhh, oh well. well, i think thats all until next time!
Love ya, byee!

Intro to my blog.

Hello my name is Chelsea Bonnin and this is my blog. Ive never blogged before but i thought i should make one because i feel i am in need of being able to express myself through writing.


A little about me-
I am 17 years old, and i have been struggling with an eating disorder for about 5 years and a cutting addiction for 3 years. I have been trying to find the courage to be in recovery for both addictions. Ive decided that im gonna be completely honest about how my life is right now. im not going to sugar coat anything so if you are reading this and struggling with cutting or eating disorder and are easily triggered, plz DONT read this.
I was sexually abused at age 4 too, and that is a big reason why i have my eating disorder and cutting problems. Its so extremely hard to be okay with myself knowing that the person who hurt me when i was younger is probably still out there hurting other kids because i didnt tell soon enough. Its a daily struggle to remember that i am not the cause of him not being caught-that someone should have stepped in and saved me.
I like music (Britt Nicole, Natalie & Amy Grant, Adele, and Mark Schultz), nature, and movies. I dont have many friends except ppl that i have met online, and they are all very dear to me. I love each and every one of them:)


A little about my family-
Well, first off, my parents' names are Dana (40) and Daryl (40) and they are divorced and have been since i was 3 or 4. I have one brother named Michael (21), and 3 step sisters named Rachael (20), Destiny (16) and Amanda (13). My brother is married to a woman named Yente (pronounced Yenta) and has a daughter named Isis, who is turning 1 years old today. My family is my life, although i live 100 miles away from them. A fact that i hate.

Whats going on today?
Today has been quite a boring day. Last night, a friend triggered me by telling me her ways of purging and it totally freaked me out so i had to take my meds early and go to bed. and since i took them for the first time in a while, they knocked me out til like 5:30 pm. Well thats enough until next time! bye guys.