Im sitting at my computer, trying to think of a way to put into words how hurt i am right now. It really doesnt make sense to me how my mom can be so quick to say what she says without ever thinking, time after time.
a few minutes ago, i was sitting in the car with my mom, and i was telling her how i wanted to take the courses i didnt get to finish over again. i didnt get to finish them during my sophomore year, because i came home from school one day to find my mom drinking, and telling me that she wanted to commit suicide. Although this came to me as a bit of a shock, it wasnt like i hadn't ever heard this before. In fact, she has tried many more times than i can count to kill herself. i came home, and found her with the biggest cup of booze i had ever seen her with, and asked her what was wrong. She said "im a slut, i should die. im a horrible mother." she kept repeating this over and over again and although i knew none of these things were true, i knew this was nothing to overlook, and that i had to do something quick. She would not let me have the phone because she didnt want me to do what i needed to do in this situation, so i immediately went next door to use the neighbors phone to call her therapist. I could not get ahold of her therapist, and i was really scared at this point. i didnt know if my mom was going to try to commit suicide again like she said she was going to, but she kept begging me to go out to eat and to forget about it. i reluctantly gave in. I remember that we went to Applebees, then we went home and i made sure she got to sleep before writing in my journal and going to bed.
I got up and went to school the next day, wondering what i should do about this. I ended up getting out of class and going to my old counselor, Mrs. Morings office. I told her what had happened the previous day, and i told her that i needed to do something, and as much as i didnt want to, i thought it would be best to go back to my dads. Mrs. Moring and I talked about what other options there were besides going to my dads. I didnt really think that there were any options at the time. As much as i hated to call my dad and tell him that i needed him to come get me and i needed to come live with him again, i knew that the chances of my mom fully committing to treatment with me still living with her would be slim. I called my moms therapist and told her what happened, and she agreed with me that i should go back to my dads. I then called my dad. this was the absolute hardest thing ive EVER had to do. I knew that my dad would take me off my medicine and wouldnt let me go to therapy either. However i bit the bullet and went anyways. My mom went to a 7 week PTSD treatment program, and got herself stabilized and i came back to live with her after 9 months.
My mom has a habit of saying "its YOUR fault that you went to live with your dad that day - not mine." which hurts me every time she says it. It makes me feel like what i did that day was not the right thing to do. i feel like i was selfish for going to live with my dad and i shouldnt have done anything about what she was telling me. I just want to lay in my bed and cry right now, because her saying that again just makes me feel like a piece of crap. Im not sure how i should feel about this, but as soon as i got home i purged everything i had in my stomache. I couldnt take the feelings that were coming up after she said that and being in norman high again. I dont know where my journey is going to go from here, but i am and forever willing to put my mom BACK in the hospital if this ever happens again. Sometimes i regret my decision, but for the most part, i know that my decision was the right one. Im desperately hoping that i will never have to do this again, because it was one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life.
anyways, im done venting for now. Ill be fine i guess, as long as she starts remembering what part SHE had in it.
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