On my Birthday

Thinking about what i should talk about when posting a blog on my birthday is a difficult thing. I wonder should i talk about the past year, or should i talk about what has been happening today. I have to say, both are pretty important. ... i guess i will start with what has happened this past year.


wow, year 17 was both a good and a bad year.
The good part was that i found Alanon, i got to move back in with my mom, i got to develop a relationship with my neice, and i have been able to actually get somewhere in  my recovery from cutting. As of today, it has been 27 days since i cut last. Thinking back to earlier times when i wasnt so far in that recovery, 27 days seemed absolutely IMPOSSIBLE. I would like to go as long as i can without cutting though. It doesnt seem worth it anymore. Before, i would have done anything and everything i could to get ahold of a razor to tear skin with. Now, I think about it mostly every day, but the fact that i havent acted on it despite that i know where my razors are.
The not-so-good part was that my eating disorder has gotten pretty well out of control, and my relationship statuses have almost dissappeared. Not just boyfriend/girlfriend relationships-friendships, and support relationships too. I cant seem to let anyone in anymore. i dont feel like i deserve good healthy relationships, and especially not support. i feel like i am too needy, and i need to do this all by myself. Part of me thinks that i need to do this by myself because if i dont, i will be bothering everyone. Although i know that this is just ED talking, it is still very hard to quiet the voice that says that


my day today:
telling you what happened today reallly wouldnt make sense if i didnt tell you what happened yesterday too. So, yesterday i went to lunch at Wendy's with my friend catarina and her boyfriend David. I really had a lot of fun, and laughed more than i had in a while. I was trying my best to be determined to not purge what i ate when i got to school. I was late to class, and that is something i REALLY hate doing. Then i had a quiz for chemistry. The quiz was completely easy, but the 2 events sort of sent me into a frenzy. ALL i could think about the whole time i was taking the quiz was purging. I tried to focus on the quiz and i got finished with that in time to spare. Immediately after i got done with my quiz the sick part of my brain started thinking of a way to get to the bathroom to purge during classs. Sooner than i knew what was happening, i was on my way to the bathroom. I asked the teacher if i could go get a kleenex from the bathroom to blow my nose. i got in the bathroom and could barely stop myself from throwing up everything. Not only did i throw up the food that my friends boyfriend was nice enough to pay for, i lied to my teacher. This kept me in the purging mode all day. I purged 2 more times when i got home and still wanted to do it even when there was nothing in my stomache. I talked to a friend on facebook about this event, and i came to the conclusion that i should come clean about what happened yesterday.
I woke up for school this morning, looking forward to starting this day off great. i went to my zero hour, and focused as much as i possibly could. Then STRETCH (20 minute period of time used for tutoring by teachers) came around and i started the journey to spill my guts. I was quite calm when i walked in the science building at my school, and stayed that way until i got into the classroom with this teacher. Although i trust her very much, and really like her as a teacher, i was still completely frantic about what i was going to say. as soon as i got into her room and set my stuff down, pacing started, and i completely freaked out. She calmed me down a bit by offering a much needed hug. I then started with "eating is .. well .. probably one of my biggest fears". I then told her everything about the day before, and it turned out really well. She told me she wanted to help me, and that she would like me to talk to my counselor about this. I used to be very very close with my old counselor, mrs moring, but needless to say, we have definitely grown apart. I dont feel like i can go talk to her, because i feel like i would be bothering her. That she is to busy for me, and i just need to take care of things on my own. Im not sure whether im going to go along with my teachers advice, but i really want to give this a chance. I did tell my teacher what was going on, therefore i dont want to deny the help she wants to give me. Anyways, that was my day. It was completely stressful, but it was also good because i know i have made at least some progress with letting people in. We will see how it goes from here. im gonna stop talking now and get to sleep though. NIGHT!