WOW. Honestly, i need to vent right now. I have been working my ASS off in recovery from this eating disorder stuff, and its like every time i tell someone other than my sponsor (as AMAZING as she is) about my progress in recovery, i get the feeling that it is not good enough.
me: "i ate lunch today"
person i was talking to: "what you ate is not healthyenough! you should have eaten more, and you didnt eat with people. YOU NEED TO EAT WITH PEOPLE!"
person i was talking to: "so how is your EDA program going?"
me:"i got the chance to help someone from eda and im very happy that i succeeded.."
person i was talking to: "wait, how can you help someone if your not doing that well with recovery yourself?! i just dont want you guys to bring each other down!"
person i was talking to: "so how are you doing?"
me: "im doing okay"
person i was talking to: "obviously not because your hair is not washed, and you were slouching in your chair earlier"
me: "its going reallly good! i am doing this two-way sponsorship thing and we help each other a lot"
person i was talking to: "well apparently its not going too good, because were still purging"
me: "it doesnt happen over night. i havent been doing it that long, it takes time."
person i was talking to: "well, people come to AA and they stop doing behaviours. either you do it or you dont."
Honestly, i dont understand the conversations above. I didnt write the whole conversions out, but what i did write was in chronological order. It feels as if i cant do anything right. its like i have to keep everything in, and i have to celebrate my successes by myself or with my sponsor only. (nothing against you ann) .. i just want to be able to tell people the things that i do good without them pointing out what i did wrong. I am trying to learn how NOT to have to be perfect 24/7 and these conversations scream to me that i do. i feel as if i am constantly having to defend myself about the good i have done in recovery. yes, somedays are bad; somedays are HORRIBLE. somedays are just plain crappy. However i am doing THE BEST I CAN.. Im not sure where i am going wit this so i am just gonna stop talking.. bye
People are rude and inconsiderate and they don't understand what we are up against. They don't understand our battles. They don't know what our lives are like. You are so strong, and so amazing. I know you better than a lot of other people, I'd like to think. You share more with me than most people. Regardless of your relapses, YOU SHOW GROWTH EVERY SINGLE DAY. You are so amazing. People don't know what they're talking about. Someone asks, "How can you help someone if you're not doing that well"?!?!?! Tell me who that person is. I'll explain exactly where I was earlier tonight, where I am now, and how you helped me get out of the sick mindset I was in.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING SO STRONG. You are way beyond your years. I love you to pieces.
People suck. Ed sucks. Recovery sometimes sucks.
But guess what, it will all get better. One day we will have lives that are not controlled by Ed. We will live in a world that will not have ignorant people like you quoted. We will eat when we are hungry; we will stop eating when we are full. We will know that we are beautiful.
Chelsea you are so strong. I look to you for encourgment and sometimes I feel you are the only one who understands me.
ReplyDeleteChels, your progress is amazing. Even from when I first started talking to you.
I love you!!
~Jaynee