update (triggering)

There is so much going through my head right now that i dont even know where to start. Part of me wishes i could just start crying in the middle of something important just for people to ask me whats wrong. That may sound selfish but the truth is that although i am always around people and putting on a smile, things in my life are rather shitty.

This post is not being written as one of my complaining sessions, i just want someone - anyone - to know how i REALLY feel at the moment.

Im not even sure where to start. Shall i start with what happened on friday? Sure, why not??

In english we are reading a book called The Bluest Eye. Im not sure how to explain the book but if u want to know more just google it. Anyways, i have sexual abuse history in my background and in this book, there is a scene in which one of the charachters gets raped. I rwad this part of the boook probably 10 minutes before my group was supposed to discuss this chapter of the book. I was feeling semi-okay about this part until i tried to think about this part and comment on it. After that i pretty much freaked out. My heart started pounding in my chest, tears formed in my eyes, and i felt like i was going to have to get out of that chair right then and there. i tried to keep myself from crying and i didnt want to draw attention to myself during class either. Luckily, the discussion ended rather quickly ( looking back) and i was able to calm myself down enough to ask the teacher how much worse the rest of the book was going to be. I got out of school and immediately told my mom i needed to get something to eat. I had no desire to eat but since i had not eaten all day and i had class until 7 or 8 pm that night, i needed to eat now or ii wasnt going to at all. i got a subway sandwhich and went on to therapy.

today is sunday. i am still trying to recover from the intensity of the anxiety attack that i had on friday. i dont know why i am still freaked out over the book, why i am still thinking about that scene in the book, but i cant seem to get it out of my head.

i have noticed how my eating patterns have gotten considerably worse this last week due to stagecraft. today i bought laxatives to use to purge with. i have never done that before, and the fact that i went through with buying them scares the living shit out of me. Luckily for me, i have school and then stage craft so i wont be able to use them for a while. I want to go to inpatient treatment. i dont think it is going to happen though. i have no insurance, and my mom is refusing to take me until after i graduate high school. im honestly not even sure i will be able to graduate ontime, because i am going through so much shit right now. i need to get away. i need to focus on recovery and go back to high school when i can. im losing weight faster than i have in a long time. it confuses me though that my mom makes comments like "im not so much concerned with you not eating as i am with your thoughts." i understand where she is coming from, but it doesnt take away the fact that half the time i am going without food because i cant force myself to eat for fear of gaining weight.

i honestly dont know where i am going with this, but i needed a place to tell someone where i am right now in my life. i hope i can get better, but i dont have much hope at the moment. goodnight.