So many questions, yet so little answers

So, i have been on a really bad sleep schedule lately and its kicking my butt. I should probably be just waking up right now, instead i am still awake having not gone to bed yet..

ive been thinking alot about what im wanting to do in my life, and it seems as though all my life is forever going to be consumed with Ed. Even knowing that, i still dont know if i am ready to give this up yet. I know it is killing me, and i know i am not going to be able to function and pass school without food and proper sleep, but i feel like i need to lose weight more. I lost weight at the beginning of this year and when i stopped bein able to lose weight, i havent lost anymore since.. i was happy at this weight for a while, and now its just not enough anymore.

I was in my EDA meeting yesterday afternoon, and we were talking about how its NEVER enough .. how its never going to BE enough..

I remembered telling a friend who i am in support group with that once i get to a certain number i would be good, and i could think about recovering. The next thought that popped into my head was "BUT if i could get to this smaller number i would be even better!" and my friend was like "even if you get to that number, its still not going to be enough!". i proceeded to tell her "yes, your right! when i get to the second number i still ideally would want to be 15 lbs lighter!" ..

And logically, if i KNOW its never gonna be enough, WHY do i still constantly think about getting to that 3rd number?! why is it ALWAYS in the back of my head? If i know this is bad for me, and i know this could kill me, WHY the heck do i keep doing it.

Anyways, so ive been thinking about going to treatment at a place called Mercy Ministries. Its a free inpatient treatment program and they treat people with eating disorders, as well as people who have had sexual abuse trauma history and/or drug abuse history. My only problem is being able to tell if i am "sick" enough to go. People that i talk to on a regular basis are telling me that i need help and that im gonna die from this if i dont get help soon, but i cant see it! i cant see it at all, and THATS what scares me the most! i mean, seriously, i went over a week without keeping ANYTHING down, and purging 3-5 times a day, and doing over 2 hours of exercise in one day in 108 degree heat, but i ... ugh i just dont know if its really that bad. Is this really that abnormal? its what ive been doing for quite a while, and i cant remember the last time i had a decent relationship with food. Probably in denial. thats what it is. .... uhhh, oh well. well, i think thats all until next time!
Love ya, byee!