What Would It Be Like

TRIGGER WARNING

I wonder what it would be like to be able to eat normally. To not feel like im gonna gain 10 lbs after 1 meal. To not have to think about how many calories are in a piece of toast or to not have to stick my finger down my throat to throw up the food i cant believe i just ate. To not have to fight with myself about whether everyone thinks im fat or if its just me and my disease. To not have to figure out whether i HAVE a disease or not. Would it be easier? Would it be better? Would i be happier? Will i ever be able to live a life without this?
Ed has a hold on me right now. A bigger grip than he has ever had on me. Im struggling to find my way out of the fog that he has me in. Looking at the number on the scale, i cant help but ask myself how it got that high. i dont understand. i dont understand at all. i think "the number needs to be smaller. Much Smaller. Maybe if it was smaller - much smaller - i would be happier." but at the same time, I cant imagine being happier because thats just it - i havent truly been happy in a very long time. I have had an eating disorder and/or disordered thoughts for so long that i have no recollection of what it was like to look in the mirror and not completely despise what i see.
Should i just try to deal with this on my own? Should i just accept the fact that im not gonna have good eating patterns for the rest of my life - that im doomed? i honestly dont know anymore. BLAH.