Trigger Warning
Chained.
Have you ever been chained,
To a world of this obsession?
Never knowing a way out…
I have,
The chain is locked.
It wont release its grip on me
Someday I will find
A way out of this world
A world I never wanted to be in anyways
It was just a simple diet
At least that’s what I wanted it to be.
Maybe there’s a chance
That its something I did wrong.
Could I have prevented it?
Would it have stopped me?
Obsessed.
What does the word “obsessed” mean?
To me, it means im strong.
If im not obsessed, what will I be?
Without this obsession,
Would I be free?
Could I be happy?
I guess it might be wonderful
To not be defined as a number
To have a life,
To have kids
To have myself back
I didn’t know I lost me
Until I turned 18
That’s when it hit me.
Slapped me in the face.
Thin.
What I wouldn’t do,
To be as thin as her
- Mary-Kate –
that’s a good question.
88 lbs is my dream weight
I just want to be thin
Thin like supermodels
But why?
I know I wont be happier
So why do I even try?
Even if I hit this weight
It could always be smaller.
77, 65, 43 – I would be thin then.
If not dead.
Shutting Down.
I always feel the need –
To shut everyone out.
To keep people at a distance,
So that I won’t get hurt
It seems its much easier
But is it really true?
Can I really recover,
Without the help of you?
Im not sure that’s possible,
Although I’d like to think so.
No name 1
Why am I so eager
To lose all of this weight?
Maybe its because I hate myself
Or maybe its that im weak
Im weak because I wont love myself
Therefore I have to change.
Dying
(Version 1)
Im dying inside.
Dying of loneliness.
Don’t have friends.
Although I wish I did.
Maybe I can make some
…probably not…
Dying
(Version 2)
Im dying inside.
Dying of self-hatred.
Of loneliness
Of weakness
I cut to numb the pain.
Just for a minute.
I’ll take a second.
But what does it really solve?
Other than plain punishment.
No name 2
Im tired.
Tired of this weight game.
You know, “Am I the skinniest?
What is the number on the scale?
Where can I get diet pills?
Or even when can I go puke my food.”
I want to be normal.
Whatever that means.
To eat normal.
Dress normal.
To look in the mirror and not hate what I see, normal.
- Happiness -
I know no such word.
Its not in my vocabulary yet
Its funny that this was supposed to be a happy poem
But its turning out like the rest of them.
Boring.
Morbid.
Exhausting.
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