Cast Party. Same Ole Drama. Making Progress??

So if you read my former posts you would know that I am in stage craft and we were doing the production of the Oliver [Twist] musical. Sunday was our last show and then we had to strike the set. It was not as bad as I thought it would be and we got done early enough that I allowed myself to go to the cast party. It was something that I was both excited and nervous about. We started strike at around 4:30 pm and finished at about 7:30 pm. I got a ride from another one of my stagecraft classmates, and was okay about it until i got to the party. I walked in, saw how many people were there and how much food was there and immediately wanted to go home. I hadn't eaten since about noon and i wasn't really hungry because of the diet pills i had taken earlier in the day. All the sudden i wanted to get the heck out of that place. Everybody hadnt even arrived yet and i already wanted to leave. i felt pathetic. i felt dumb. i felt like a complete failure because i havent ever stayed at a party because im too afraid im going to fuck things up - even if i wanted to stay to start with. So about 20 minutes after i got to the party, most of the cast members had arrived and my anxiety was building fast. Then pizza came into the room. Things like "i wonder if it would be really THAT bad to purge at a school party...." and "maybe i could just eat one piece and purge really fast and no one would notice.." came into my mind and it was starting to make me crazy. I didnt want to draw attention to myself so i tried to distract myself through getting something to drink. I went up to the counter, grabbed a drink, and a cup. The combination of too many people, too much food, and too much anxiety made my concentration like zero. I spilled the drink all over the table. Have you ever heard the phrase "Dont Cry Over Spilled Milk"? well, im still not exactly sure but i totally wanted to go purge and then cry like right then and there. instead of doing any of the things that i wanted to do, i borrowed a friends phone and called my mom to come pick me up.

Part of me feels super dumb for being as dramatic as i was last night, but the other part feels as if i made a lot of progress. Its really hard for me to say that i ever do anything good because i feel as if i am bragging. Im not sure. Comment :)