Random Thoughts and The Butterfly Project

The worst feeling for me is not knowing what is going on. Feeling clueless. I am laying in bed after eating and trying to keep it since i havent kept anything in weeks. I feel dizzy a lot but its worse now. I havent been getting a lot of sleep so i dont know if im dizzy from that or if its bc im not eating enough. A friend texted me a picture today of her self injury cuts and it really triggered me. So i drew butterflies all over my body .. Everywhere i have old scars or new cuts, i drew a butterfly and wrote "for" and a name of a person i knew who was struggling ir has in the past struggled with self injury. It has helped alot. I have a total of 5 on various spots on my body and i am always seeing them. I wish i knew something like this that would help me want to eat more but im not sure what that would be. I dont know what this post was about but maybe the butterfly project will help someone who reads it. I sent a picture of each of the butterflies that had a name on it and was a bit surprised when i got the response "this made my day!" im extremely happy that i could help someone else and myself at the same time. Here is a picture of my butterflies and where i got the idea from:)

So ive been looking for ip treatment and it looks like my only option is a) the emily program somewhere in the us ... Possibly.. Or b) his mansion ministries in new hampshire

I could fill out an application for his mansion but i feel extremely hopeless right now and i don't know if i can commit to doing a year in treatment. I cant help but think about all the stuff i would be missing if i went. The new baby, isis, school, my whole family, jaynee, ann, everything i know.. Not to mention its a program that is based on christianity. Im so scared. I would rather stay in my ed. I know that is completely eating disordered but its how i feel. Im so confused. I dont know what i want. Do i want to get sicker or better? Honestly, sicker seems easier. I dont know if this is what i want. Im scared to do anything recovery related. Im staying up all night so i can go to church at 9:30 which is odd bc i havent wanted to go to church in forever. I am running out of options. I found myself wanting to take a shitload of diet pills or other things just to get my mind out of this rut. I dont even think that would help. I cant ever get to sleep before 5 am and i usually binge/purge between 4-5 and it is like some kind of switch is turned on inside of me and i cant help it. Im tired of ed. Im tired of being tired all the time. Im tired of my chest hurting and always feeling like I'm going to pass out. But is that enough to make me care enough about myself enough to seek help for this? Im really not sure. I hate myself. I feel like i dont deserve to be happy or healthy or lovable or loved by even myself. Idk, i just needed to get that out. Goodnight.

A letter to my mom concerning treatment

Dear mom,
I know the treatment thing has come up a few times, but it needs to come up again. You and i both know i have been crying out for help for a long time. Years. I dont know how else to say that i need help more clearly than i am now. I know you have noticed that i am not eating and and bingeing and/or purging when i do. Its never in between. I CANT take this anymore. Im dizzy all the time, moody, my hair is falling out, im cutting alot, my chest hurts and i no longer have the ability to be truly happy anymore. Im afraid to leave the house for fear that everyone will look at me and see how big i have gotten and laugh at me or judge me i want to cry when i eat and i feel like a failure for ever nourishing my body. I cant focus on school work because i cant think about anything except how much ive eaten or how many times i have purged that day. Im tired of feeling like im not good enough for food, or for happiness. I dont want to spend my whole life being afraid to look in the mirror because im scared of what i will see. Im tired of being annoyed about going to texas because of how little my opportunities to purge are and how much food we eat down there. Im tired of looking for my rib cage every morning when i wake up and being upset when i cant see it. Im tired of weighing myself multiple times a day and almost crying when the number on the scale doesnt go down. Im tired of not being able to feel anything except disappointment over food. Thats alot to hear, i know. Its alot to live. Im scared of treatment. Im scared of changing. But somewhere down inside me im also scared of dying. I think the scariest thing for me is that im not always scared of that. Sometimes i dont give a shit. Im scared of being the "black sheep" of the family because i cant be happy and i keep being hospitalized. I know you have been in the "not caring" place and the only way for you to get out of it was to be hospitalized and/or treatment. Please dont make me stay in this "not caring" place any longer. I cant find and get to treatment on my own. I need help and im asking for it. I can and will find another family member to help me if you wont. I love you but i need this. Please find and help me get to treatment soon.
Love,
Chelsea

Am i that sick? (possibly triggering...idk)

Rhetorical question, i guess. I am once again asking myself "do i want treatment? Is it worth it? Do i deserve it? Do i need it?" in the past week, ed has taken over. I can no longer tell the difference between his thoughts and mine. My friends are telling me i need to go or i will die, but i don't see it. And every time i do see it, it only lasts an hour or so. At about 4 am, i was in bed trying to sleep and i kept having visions of me not waking up ever. I decided that i would drink one of those breakfast essential drinks so i could sleep, but i made it and drank a couple sips and freaked out. I couldnt do it. I couldnt drink it bc it is waaaay over my calorie allowance for the day. And it was only 4 am. I dont know if i care that my calorie allowance for the day is something that i hit in just a quarter of one meal. Maybe less. I dont know if i deserve to have food. I dont know that i should be scared about this. I want to keep losing weight. I havent even lost that much to begin with. Unless u count where i was at the beginning of last year. If u look at that, hell yea, ive lost a ton. But its not like i lost that much in a month. It was a year and thats a long time.

I don't know where I'm going with this.. I can tell this post was extremely eating disordered and im sorry for that. I just needed to get it out.

Is ed a lifestyle?? No.

This is for all the proana people out there. I admit i am guilty of being one of them from time to time, but it is only at my sickest points. I saw a post on facebook from a friend that is outraged by someone on youtube saying that ed is a lifestyle-not a disease. It got me thinking. What makes a person say something like this? For me, it was a way i could keep myself in denial. If i was telling myself that it was a lifestyle, then i could change that lifestyle at any moment. But deep down inside i know that isnt true. Not one bit. Going through the process of recovery from an eating disorder, it is easy for me to start believing that im doing great and that im cured. That maybe it IS just a choice to eat and not purge. But then the next time i turn around, i find myself doubting if i was even sick in the first place. And then i start to miss what i thought i had through my eating disorder. Then the cycle starts again. I start feeling like i need to get back whatever it is that my eating disorder gives me. Then the thoughts about how fat im going to get if i dont start eating soon start rolling back in and i dont know what to do except listen. So i listen. I put myself in danger just to live a life that continues to make me punish myself if i eat. If you look up the word "disease," you will find that it means "abnormal condition, illness." Starving yourself and/or forcibly getting rid of food for any purpose is ABNORMAL. Having an eating disorder is similar to having a medical condition like fibromyalgia.. Fibromyalgia is chronic pain all over your body. You can get on the right medications and manage the symptoms, but it will never be totally gone. You can also manage an eating disorder by getting a treatment team that works for you, but an eating disorder wont be totally gone either.
What im trying to say through this post is that an eating disorder is not just a lifestyle. Its a manageable but not curable disease. Thats all. End of discussion.

Hmmm

So i havent posted for quite a while and its bc i havent really had much to
Say.. I have been trying to get back into the good-high-school-student mindset, but its just not working... I dont really care about school bc i dont find it worthwhile and it just stresses me out. Not to menttion, i cant avert my full attention to anything much less trying to do a million things for hework. I just dont see the point anymore. I applied for an alternative school today and im hoping that i will get in soon so i can have a chance at a new start. At this point, i feel it is my only option if i want to graduatE. The only thing stopping me from completely dropping out of high school is what my teachers and counselors, family and peers will think of me if i do. I wish i could do something for me. I wish my life wasnt consumed with what i think others think or feel about my situation. Not that i have asked any of them. I want to get into this program because i think it will give me a chance to get back on track and start over fresh. I wont have to worry about what my teachers know about my past and i can allow myself to take this opportunity and run with it.
Im struggling a lot with my body image right now. I feel absolutely huge and i feel the need to get back in my eating disorder. At least i can control this. It feels as if even school is out of my control since i cant seem to concentrate on anything for more than 10-15 minutes. Im not sure i have much more to say.... Ill try to think of something else and post later... Bye