When bringing in the new year comes a bunch of different emotions and feelings.
Hope: That this year will be better than the last. That I will be able to get farther along with recovery.
Excitement: Because I'm ending one chapter of my life, and beginning another one with Blake.
Fear: Of the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death.
Happiness: Because 2012, the longest year of my life, is FINALLY over.
You know, I was thinking about what everyone said about 2012 being "the end of the world as we know it" or something like that. And although the world didn't end, many times I felt it might. Only life as I knew it abruptly ended. Both when my mom died and when I met Blake.
In some ways I wouldn't change the things that happened last year, and in some ways I would jump at it.
My mom dying; if I could change this, I would in a heartbeat. But then I would risk never having met Blake so it would be hard and I don't know how I would ever make that choice.
Giving myself a voice; my entire life I have let people walk all over me. This year I chose to stop that. I quit letting people do whatever they want to me. I set boundaries and spoke out when they were broken. I wouldn't change that part. The part I would change is the way I went about it. I would do things differently so I wouldn't have had to stay away from some of my favorite people, so they might forgive me.
I've learned a lot this past year:
I'm stronger than I think I am.
How little I let myself feel. When I start to feel bad about anything, I tend to jump to restricting. I've heard this theory before. However until now, I didn't know how much truth it holds. My hope is that the more I start catching myself "numbing out," the more ill be able to change it.
Okay... Idk if anything I just said made sense .. but im not gna go back and read it all.. hahaha
Enough for this post, til next time
Xxo chelsea
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