In a month and a half, roughly, it will have been a year since my mom died. I still find myself wishing I could die right along with her. Not because I really want to die, because I don't, but because I can't stand the thought of living without her. Each and every day I go back over it and think again and again about what I could have done to change it. I find myself telling people that she lives in Norman and we are still on good terms. That I met Blake and decided to live on my own but we still talk often. Just because I'm tired of seeing people's face when I tell them. I'm tired of the "I'm sorry for your loss" and "oh that's so sad" and "stay strong" that people always feel the need to say when they find out. I just let people talk about their parents as if I know what they are talking about bc mine are still always in my life. Truth is, I still feel like I've never had both parents at one time. It's always been one or the other. And when my mom died, I felt like even the other parent-daughter relationship crumbled. So now sometimes I feel like at 18, I lost both parents. Maybe that's not fair. But its what I feel.
Anyways, I am done talking. I will write again when I have something else to say
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
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Hey, I kind of know how you feel. But in the opposite situation. I really don't feel like I have good parents anymore. I remeber a time when I did have two wonderful parents. But I look at those two people now, and I don't understand how they are the same 2 wonderful parents that raised me. The parents that I loved. It almost seems like they have died, but their not dead. I feel like sometimes they are just dead to me.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Jess
P.S. Don't forget I am always here for you.