Ugh. Drunken body image....

Even drunk, still fat. Why can't I get rid of it. This is why I'm not an alcoholic. If alcohol got rid of my body image issues, I 100% believe that id be addicted to it. But since It doesn't, I only drink socially.. even when I can barely see to walk, I still look in the mirror and think I'm fat. I still suck in my stomach. No matter how much alcohol I have in me I still think I'm gross. The only thing that is different from when I'm drunk and sober is that ed is less loud and I'm able to eat whatever I want. But no matter how much alcohol I have in me, I still think im huge and disgusting. I still can't get away from it. Ugh. It makes me sad and happy at the same time. I wish for one second, I would be able to think I'm beautiful instead of a gross worthless fuckup. Anyways, I'm drunk right now.. and at a bar. But I went to the bathroom and did my usual routine of looking all of my flaws so I thought I would blog about it. Anywayssss, I'm drunk and I wanna stay that way, so imma get off here now... Here's some pictures....

I passed the trust test!

So... I don't know if its all that big of a deal, but I did something yesterday that shocks, scares, and makes me happy.
Blake: "I have an idea but I don't know if its gonna work"
Me: "What's ur idea?"
Blake: "Well, we could go to golden corral and instead of making our own plates, we make plates for the other person. U make mine and I make yours. And we have to eat everything that is put on our plate."
Me: "Well..... I'm not sure..."
Blake: "Of course"
Me: "I am not saying no im just a little uncomfortable"
Blake: "okay"
5 minutes later
Me: "Okay, we can go but I'm not promising that I will be able to do it"

We got to the restaurant and then made each others plates. He didn't do that bad of a job. I only refused one thing only because it was gross and we both agreed.

Overall, I am semi proud of myself. On one hand, I am extremely proud that I was able to trust him enough to eat what he put on my plate. On the other hand tho, I still have this overwhelming feeling that I am a failure because I ate.

Recovery would teach me that this was the opposite of failing, and that I'm a tiny bit closer to happiness because of it. Ana, though, would tell me that I'm completely wrong for trusting him so much. That I should have never even considered the thought of letting someone else control my caloric intake and that I will always be weak and gross. Somewhere along the way I have to figure out which one I'm going to listen to... It's a tough one though. See, if I listen to the recovery version, I risk letting myself do it again. If I let myself do it again, I will feel more weak than ever and risk my worst nightmare coming true. If I listen to Ana, I don't do it again and therefore I dont have to worry about not being good enough.

I understand that this may not make sense. If I don't listen to ed I fail, and if I do, I could die. If I eat, I'm automatically unworthy of anything and everything good in life.
I'm really not sure what to take of this. I still have no idea what I want to do. So far, I've listened to Ana. I'm not sure when it will change...I'm scared of it changing. I've tried recovery so many times before that I know how hard it is and I don't feel like I have the willpower/strength to do it right now.

Anyways, that's all for now!
Chelsea

Just another boring update... Trigger warning!

Ugh. So, I found out that my grandfather has cancer. This was my worst fear bc he is 73 and I don't know that they will want him to do chemo. We already had one death this year, I don't need fear of another. And he is the last person I want that to happen to. But then again, who ever wants anyone they know to die. I haven't greived for my mom, I don't want to have to greive for him too. I'm not trying to be all negative and say right away that he is gonna die. I don't know if I could handle that. But I also dont want to make myself believe that it won't happen either bc I don't want a bombshell if it does. I don't know what in saying or if It makes sense....

In other news,
I've been struggling a ton lately. As u saw in my last post, I've been in hardcore relapse mode. I just can't handle things. Christmas without mom, body image, wedding planning, self-hate, and now grandfather has cancer. I don't know when I will want to get better but its definitely not right now. Last night, I made myself some food. But knew I couldn't keep it down... Idk why, bc I have barely had anything for weeks. So I make the food while Blake is sleeping, and then he wakes up in the middle of my cooking. I didn't want to eat it while he was awake and watching so I tried to urge him to go to bed since he had to work in the morning. I ate all I could (which wasn't very much) and then got some clothes and waited for Blake to start trying to sleep again. I couldn't wait too long and he was taking his time, so I went into the bathroom and tried to purge quietly ... To no avail. He opened the bathroom door saying "what are you....oh" and I screamed at him to get out. So he shut the door and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't stop. I had to keep going. Now I was pissed at myself for being stupid and getting caught which just drove me to do it harder and louder and more violently. Pretty soon, he was slamming the door open and we were screaming at each other. I finally stopped but couldn't get myself to calm down so I went outside and smoked without a jacket on ... Then decided that I would freeze the calories off. Took my jacket off, did 53 jumping jacks, then laid down on my jacket and shivered for about 15 minutes.

Never has it been this bad. At least I know that. Now its just a matter of figuring out how to get better.

I feel like I should apologize to Blake for acting the way I acted. I really am sorry. But I don't want to keep saying I'm sorry for things that I'm not sure are going to change. I could apologize to him today and we could have the same fight tomorrow. I have no way of knowing that. I'll put it here ne ways.

Dear Blake,
If u read this, which I know you probably will. I am sorry for the way I acted. I was sorry right after it happened but was scared to tell u. I cant promise that it will never happen again. If I promised u that now, u might be mad when it happens again. I love u. Always have always will.
-Chelsea

ANOREXIA NERVOSA

A lonely little girl. from the
iNside looking out.
Over and over again, she tries to fit in
Right where shes meant to be
Except something always stops her.
X
she Is trapped in a revolving door that is
Anorexia.

uNable to find her way out. a
nEver-ending
Reign of this demon dictator
eVeryone thinks its as easy as
dO or don't eat
truth iS
All they see is what is on the outside.

Update.

I am so sorry guys. I haven't updated in SO long. Mostly bc I haven't had ne way of getting on my blog and I've been so totally in relapse mode its not even funny. And I didnt really have anything to say.

So much has happened. Thanksgiving was an epic fail. I relapsed about 10 days before and couldn't even deal with anything at thanskgiving. I was a train wreck. Ended up going to a party the next weekend and getting drunk and passing out. Man do I feel bad about that. I feel like ppl look at me way differently than before. Blake, my fiance, is so helpful and so loving, but I don't feel like I'm worth his love. I feel like I dissapoint him everytime I miss a meal. I just don't want to miserably fail at recovery again. Like every other time I have tried. REALLY TRIED, I mean. I guess part of me feels like I shouldn't be happy. Like I don't deserve it. I have no idea why, either. I love Blake n I want to spend the rest of my life with him but how in the hell can he love someone with this much fucking baggage. I dont know how I'm EVER gonna escape the grips of anorexia and just be happy. I ate dinner only for three days and then yesterday couldn't do it anymore. It's like I would somehow be failing myself if I ate. I'm just tired. Tired of Ana. Tired of exercise. Tired of Blake telling me he is worried bout me. Tired of my aunt asking me if I've eaten. I just want to go back to the way it was. I want to have my eating disorder in the background and have everyone think everything is okay with me.

Just. Like. It. Was. Before. My. Mom. Died.

That's enough for tonight. Imma go draw. Peace!