Cast Party. Same Ole Drama. Making Progress??

So if you read my former posts you would know that I am in stage craft and we were doing the production of the Oliver [Twist] musical. Sunday was our last show and then we had to strike the set. It was not as bad as I thought it would be and we got done early enough that I allowed myself to go to the cast party. It was something that I was both excited and nervous about. We started strike at around 4:30 pm and finished at about 7:30 pm. I got a ride from another one of my stagecraft classmates, and was okay about it until i got to the party. I walked in, saw how many people were there and how much food was there and immediately wanted to go home. I hadn't eaten since about noon and i wasn't really hungry because of the diet pills i had taken earlier in the day. All the sudden i wanted to get the heck out of that place. Everybody hadnt even arrived yet and i already wanted to leave. i felt pathetic. i felt dumb. i felt like a complete failure because i havent ever stayed at a party because im too afraid im going to fuck things up - even if i wanted to stay to start with. So about 20 minutes after i got to the party, most of the cast members had arrived and my anxiety was building fast. Then pizza came into the room. Things like "i wonder if it would be really THAT bad to purge at a school party...." and "maybe i could just eat one piece and purge really fast and no one would notice.." came into my mind and it was starting to make me crazy. I didnt want to draw attention to myself so i tried to distract myself through getting something to drink. I went up to the counter, grabbed a drink, and a cup. The combination of too many people, too much food, and too much anxiety made my concentration like zero. I spilled the drink all over the table. Have you ever heard the phrase "Dont Cry Over Spilled Milk"? well, im still not exactly sure but i totally wanted to go purge and then cry like right then and there. instead of doing any of the things that i wanted to do, i borrowed a friends phone and called my mom to come pick me up.

Part of me feels super dumb for being as dramatic as i was last night, but the other part feels as if i made a lot of progress. Its really hard for me to say that i ever do anything good because i feel as if i am bragging. Im not sure. Comment :)

Missing. The. Dad. I. Never. Really. Had.

Laying here in bed- the time 12:38 am- on a school night, it comes as a shock to me that i wish i could lay my head on dads shoulder and just hear him say the words "i love you," just once. I dont think this is ever going to happen as i have waited my whole life for the day to come when it does. I havent seen, spoke to, texted, or even called my dad since about the beginning of august (unless u count his ONE text to me on my 18th bday saying only that -happy birthday) because he has never really acted like he wants to be in my life; or thats how it appears to me. As far back as i can remember, i dont remember him being a constant - just his unwillingness to act like my dad. I only have one picture of me and him together taken july 5, 2009 the day i moved from my dads back to my moms. Niether if us were smiling and it only pisses me off to think about how he has been in my sibling's life, but not mine. If you can see the picture, that is THE picture.. the only copy i have. .. whatever...... I need to sleep so thats it for now ... Questions? Requests for blog posts? -->> post them over here in the chat box and i will reply asap :) kay thankssh

update (triggering)

There is so much going through my head right now that i dont even know where to start. Part of me wishes i could just start crying in the middle of something important just for people to ask me whats wrong. That may sound selfish but the truth is that although i am always around people and putting on a smile, things in my life are rather shitty.

This post is not being written as one of my complaining sessions, i just want someone - anyone - to know how i REALLY feel at the moment.

Im not even sure where to start. Shall i start with what happened on friday? Sure, why not??

In english we are reading a book called The Bluest Eye. Im not sure how to explain the book but if u want to know more just google it. Anyways, i have sexual abuse history in my background and in this book, there is a scene in which one of the charachters gets raped. I rwad this part of the boook probably 10 minutes before my group was supposed to discuss this chapter of the book. I was feeling semi-okay about this part until i tried to think about this part and comment on it. After that i pretty much freaked out. My heart started pounding in my chest, tears formed in my eyes, and i felt like i was going to have to get out of that chair right then and there. i tried to keep myself from crying and i didnt want to draw attention to myself during class either. Luckily, the discussion ended rather quickly ( looking back) and i was able to calm myself down enough to ask the teacher how much worse the rest of the book was going to be. I got out of school and immediately told my mom i needed to get something to eat. I had no desire to eat but since i had not eaten all day and i had class until 7 or 8 pm that night, i needed to eat now or ii wasnt going to at all. i got a subway sandwhich and went on to therapy.

today is sunday. i am still trying to recover from the intensity of the anxiety attack that i had on friday. i dont know why i am still freaked out over the book, why i am still thinking about that scene in the book, but i cant seem to get it out of my head.

i have noticed how my eating patterns have gotten considerably worse this last week due to stagecraft. today i bought laxatives to use to purge with. i have never done that before, and the fact that i went through with buying them scares the living shit out of me. Luckily for me, i have school and then stage craft so i wont be able to use them for a while. I want to go to inpatient treatment. i dont think it is going to happen though. i have no insurance, and my mom is refusing to take me until after i graduate high school. im honestly not even sure i will be able to graduate ontime, because i am going through so much shit right now. i need to get away. i need to focus on recovery and go back to high school when i can. im losing weight faster than i have in a long time. it confuses me though that my mom makes comments like "im not so much concerned with you not eating as i am with your thoughts." i understand where she is coming from, but it doesnt take away the fact that half the time i am going without food because i cant force myself to eat for fear of gaining weight.

i honestly dont know where i am going with this, but i needed a place to tell someone where i am right now in my life. i hope i can get better, but i dont have much hope at the moment. goodnight.

poetry 2

Trigger Warning

Chained.

Have you ever been chained,

To a world of this obsession?

Never knowing a way out…

I have,

The chain is locked.

It wont release its grip on me

Someday I will find

A way out of this world

A world I never wanted to be in anyways

It was just a simple diet

At least that’s what I wanted it to be.

Maybe there’s a chance

That its something I did wrong.

Could I have prevented it?

Would it have stopped me?

What Would It Be Like

TRIGGER WARNING

I wonder what it would be like to be able to eat normally. To not feel like im gonna gain 10 lbs after 1 meal. To not have to think about how many calories are in a piece of toast or to not have to stick my finger down my throat to throw up the food i cant believe i just ate. To not have to fight with myself about whether everyone thinks im fat or if its just me and my disease. To not have to figure out whether i HAVE a disease or not. Would it be easier? Would it be better? Would i be happier? Will i ever be able to live a life without this?
Ed has a hold on me right now. A bigger grip than he has ever had on me. Im struggling to find my way out of the fog that he has me in. Looking at the number on the scale, i cant help but ask myself how it got that high. i dont understand. i dont understand at all. i think "the number needs to be smaller. Much Smaller. Maybe if it was smaller - much smaller - i would be happier." but at the same time, I cant imagine being happier because thats just it - i havent truly been happy in a very long time. I have had an eating disorder and/or disordered thoughts for so long that i have no recollection of what it was like to look in the mirror and not completely despise what i see.
Should i just try to deal with this on my own? Should i just accept the fact that im not gonna have good eating patterns for the rest of my life - that im doomed? i honestly dont know anymore. BLAH.

Inspiring Songs :)

hey guys, this is a list of songs that i REALLY enjoy and that give a lot of hope in each. they are all of different genres but they are all great. sorry, i tried to get it to go straight to the video if u clicked it, but it wouldnt do it
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS TO ADD TO THIS, I WILL BE GLAD TO ADD IT! :)