Still mourning

This diary entry was written by my mom on Saturday July 18, 2010. . I wont write all of it, but i need to speak about it. 1: "I feel sad because chelsea left me and went to live with her dad because i got drunk and depressed and could not take care of her." 2: "I am angry at myself that i pushed Chelsea away." 3: "I am sad that i lost my family when i got sick." 4: "I am angry that i have a mental illness and that i am an alcoholic and that i have to live with this illness for the rest of my life." 5: "I am angry at myself because i could not protect Chelsea from her abusers." -dana Each and everytime i read this, i feel an enormous amount of guilt, sorrow, and sadness. Guilt because i made the decision to move back to my dads. Even though i knew it was what was best for me. I should have spent more time with her while i could. Sadness because i feel the pain she felt when i read her diary entries. I wish i could have comforted her and made my love known to her more. Sorrow because i only want to hold her and hug her right now. And tell her how much i love her. Instead i will write her a letter. Dear mom, Your death ripped a huge hole in my heart. Theres not a day that i dont think about you. Theres not a day i dont regret not being there to say goodbye. If nothing else, to keep you company in your last minutes of life. Theres not a day that goes by that i dont remember all of the fun times we had; like singing what little lyrics we could remember to christmas songs in the middle of the mall for other customers walking by, or you yelling "PINK PANTIES" in the middle of the mall everytime we passed victorias secret to embarrass me. Those are just a few of the awesome memories i have of you. I remember always knowing that you love me and michael like crazy. I remember always loving you more than i could tell you. I remember never wanting to be with anyone but you. I am a mommas girl. There are a few things i need to tell you, though. I need to tell you that although sexual abuse is a horrible thing and it shouldnt happen to anyone, i do not wish it didnt happen. As it made me stronger. If i could go back in time, and somehow prevent it, i.would not. I wish u never had to be angry at yourself for what happened, because i like who i am. And i would not be who i am without that experience. There is so much to say and i dont have enough words to say it. Just know i have always loved you. I could not have asked for a better mother. You are and always will be missed. Love from your daughter, Chelsea

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Uhm. just an update

Ive been doing okay. Struggling every now and then but its not too hard to get out of it. There have been times where i really think i am going to relapse. Other times i dont even really think about what im eating until i get a notification on my phone telling me to log my meals. Im not sure where im going with this. So im gonna leave it at that. Xoxo, Chelsea Lou

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Update

In a month and a half, roughly, it will have been a year since my mom died. I still find myself wishing I could die right along with her. Not because I really want to die, because I don't, but because I can't stand the thought of living without her. Each and every day I go back over it and think again and again about what I could have done to change it. I find myself telling people that she lives in Norman and we are still on good terms. That I met Blake and decided to live on my own but we still talk often. Just because I'm tired of seeing people's face when I tell them. I'm tired of the "I'm sorry for your loss" and "oh that's so sad" and "stay strong" that people always feel the need to say when they find out. I just let people talk about their parents as if I know what they are talking about bc mine are still always in my life. Truth is, I still feel like I've never had both parents at one time. It's always been one or the other. And when my mom died, I felt like even the other parent-daughter relationship crumbled. So now sometimes I feel like at 18, I lost both parents. Maybe that's not fair. But its what I feel.
Anyways, I am done talking. I will write again when I have something else to say

I've been thinking bout my mom a lot lately. And that's something I've struggled with since she died. I love her and I miss her and I think about her everyday. But usually I just don't feel like I can talk to her. Everytime I do its like people look at me like I'm crazy. I feel like they are thinking "why are you talking about her? She's dead" .. I know that's horrible to say. I feel bad for saying that, but its true. I am happy and I love my life right now. I just want her in it so bad and I know its not gonna happen. I think about the sandy hook shooting victims and from dealing with my moms death I can't imagine how losing a child could be. I don't know. I'm not talkin ne more.

Goodnight.

Thoughts about 2012/ welcoming 2013

When bringing in the new year comes a bunch of different emotions and feelings.

Hope: That this year will be better than the last. That I will be able to get farther along with recovery.
Excitement: Because I'm ending one chapter of my life, and beginning another one with Blake.
Fear: Of the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death.
Happiness: Because 2012, the longest year of my life, is FINALLY over.

You know, I was thinking about what everyone said about 2012 being "the end of the world as we know it" or something like that. And although the world didn't end, many times I felt it might. Only life as I knew it abruptly ended. Both when my mom died and when I met Blake.

In some ways I wouldn't change the things that happened last year, and in some ways I would jump at it.

My mom dying; if I could change this, I would in a heartbeat. But then I would risk never having met Blake so it would be hard and I don't know how I would ever make that choice.

Giving myself a voice; my entire life I have let people walk all over me. This year I chose to stop that. I quit letting people do whatever they want to me. I set boundaries and spoke out when they were broken. I wouldn't change that part. The part I would change is the way I went about it. I would do things differently so I wouldn't have had to stay away from some of my favorite people, so they might forgive me.

I've learned a lot this past year:

I'm stronger than I think I am.

How little I let myself feel. When I start to feel bad about anything, I tend to jump to restricting. I've heard this theory before. However until now, I didn't know how much truth it holds. My hope is that the more I start catching myself "numbing out," the more ill be able to change it.

Okay... Idk if anything I just said made sense .. but im not gna go back and read it all.. hahaha

Enough for this post, til next time
Xxo chelsea