Murder in my hometown, Ed, feelings, update

Okay so I grew up in a small town in north Texas called burkburnett Texas and I have been with a church most of my life--Calvary baptist church. Well in about mid July of 2010, a murder occurred in that tiny old town of burkburnett. Tommy morrow, a former member of calvary baptist church, murdered his mother, Helen Clark. It strikes me in a weird way that this person that I loved so much and used to sit by during church services could do such a lovely women who I can only remember as being sooo nice. I'm not exactly where I am going with this post but I felt it necessary to express my confusion over this event. Turns out that my dad helped investigate tommys mothers death and that also kinda slapps me in the face. I don't understand how it Is so close to my home. To me. To my family. I heard tonight that tommy got only 20 years in prison for this crime. Knowing both the perp and the victim, I can't help but cringe at the thought of him ever getting out. It makes me wonder how safe that town actually is... That's all for this subject

In other news, I have been feeling like im just feeling sorry for myself and unsure about my role in life--what I'm here for. I have had an overwhelming sense of 'nobody needs me and I'm just bothering others so I need to keep everything to myself' feeling. However, I am trying to figure a way to combat this. I want to be in Ann and jaynee's life (and other friends as will but I can't name u all:) ) and I know they both like talking to me. Sometimes Ed likes to tell me I'm unworthy of these two wonderful people-and sometimes I believe him- but I dont want to have to believe him anymore. I don't want to have to think that I'm unworthy because I AM WORTHY of good friendship. I'm tired of doing everything Ed says even if it hurts me. Here are some lovely quotes that I desperately need to remember in order to combat Ed.
"Dude. Chill. I love you. You didn't do anything wrong. -Ann
You're silly. I need you. I care about you. Don't forget it." -Ann
UPDATE UR STINKING BLOG! I LOVE READING IT! -Jaynee


Update:
Well, the last paragraph was a big update so I don't want to write a ton more but there is some stuff that went on that I ddnt mention.
1) I've been missing a ton of school Lately bc I have been so depressed and uninterested in anything educational which is totally not like me.
2) I am pretty sure I'm changing therapists most likely after the new year just because I locked myself out of my phone and haven't been able to get the contact persons number and I won't get a new sim chip until New years. Anyways so I had a friend call a friend who called another friend who called me who is willing to find me an therapist who specializes in eds only. I was unsure of this being a good idea until I talked it over with my therapist about it. I asked her what she though and as always she said "your the adult I will back u either way but I do think it would be good for you" and it helped to ease my mind about the situation. Hopefully it will happen without a lot of wait time. *Fingers crossed*


And last but not least, behaviors.
I have been doing semi good not doing behaviors but it has been hard. I have been having some pain lately that has not been there before and I Thad some blood that came out when I purged earlier. Ed has just been on my case big time lately and I haven't been doing a good job at reaching out that much.

My iPod battery is going dead do I'm going to stop and charge it so goodnight


Xoxo,
Chels