WOW.

WOW. Honestly, i need to vent right now. I have been working my ASS off in recovery from this eating disorder stuff, and its like every time i tell someone other than my sponsor (as AMAZING as she is) about my progress in recovery, i get the feeling that it is not good enough.


me: "i ate lunch today"
person i was talking to: "what you ate is not healthyenough! you should have eaten more, and you didnt eat with people. YOU NEED TO EAT WITH PEOPLE!"
person i was talking to: "so how is your EDA program going?"
me:"i got the chance to help someone from eda and im very happy that i succeeded.."
person i was talking to: "wait, how can you help someone if your not doing that well with recovery yourself?! i just dont want you guys to bring each other down!"


person i was talking to: "so how are you doing?"
me: "im doing okay"
person i was talking to: "obviously not because your hair is not washed, and you were slouching in your chair earlier"


me: "its going reallly good! i am doing this two-way sponsorship thing and we help each other a lot"
person i was talking to: "well apparently its not going too good, because were still purging"
me: "it doesnt happen over night. i havent been doing it that long, it takes time."
person i was talking to: "well, people come to AA and they stop doing behaviours. either you do it or you dont."

Honestly, i dont understand the conversations above. I didnt write the whole conversions out, but what i did write was in chronological order. It feels as if i cant do anything right. its like i have to keep everything in, and i have to celebrate my successes by myself or with my sponsor only. (nothing against you ann) .. i just want to be able to tell people the things that i do good without them pointing out what i did wrong. I am trying to learn how NOT to have to be perfect 24/7 and these conversations scream to me that i do. i feel as if i am constantly having to defend myself about the good i have done in recovery. yes, somedays are bad; somedays are HORRIBLE. somedays are just plain crappy. However i am doing THE BEST I CAN.. Im not sure where i am going wit this so i am just gonna stop talking.. bye

poetry 1.. (could be triggering)

Ana

I was happy and felt okay

but that was never meant to stay

i had no friends even though i tried

especially when she came inside

-

she made her nest inside my head

and changed the way i felt inside

i began to hate the way i look

drastic measures i then took

-

i began to starve

all the time

eating just felt like a crime

-

the numbers on the scale went down

but all she ever did was frown

she told me that it wasnt good

and that i need to refuse food

-

i tried again, i tried my best

but yet again, she would not rest

she yelled and screamed inside my head

she said i wasnt to be fed

-

so there it goes;

i just dont eat.

but that's all too bittersweet.

Talk Ed. Now. Get It Out And Leave Me Alone.

so, i am at a loss for words right now. i am thinking words, but I'm scared that my words will be triggering. i don't know where else to go to say this so i am just going to come here. i keep taking pictures of myself and i look absolutely HUGE in all of them. there are a couple of them that i have to put on a public website and i cant stand the sight of them.. i feel like I'm losing it. like recovery isn't the best thing for me right now because all it is doing is making me fatter than i was. is it supposed to be like this? ed is screaming at me right now. i think i need to let him talk. i cant keep it in anymore.

you are huge.

you are a failure for eating lunch today.

if you keep eating, you will never be skinny enough.

you will never be perfect.

i hate you.

Keep staring at this picture

it clearly shows how fat you are

your arms, your stomach, your face.

everybody hates you.

your not smart.

you never will be good enough.

you dont deserve ann.

you dont deserve food.

you dont deserve ANYTHING.

dont cry now.

if you cry, your weak.

you cant be weak.

ever.

FAT.

FAT.

FAT.

FAT.

all you will ever be is FAT.

On my Birthday

Thinking about what i should talk about when posting a blog on my birthday is a difficult thing. I wonder should i talk about the past year, or should i talk about what has been happening today. I have to say, both are pretty important. ... i guess i will start with what has happened this past year.


wow, year 17 was both a good and a bad year.
The good part was that i found Alanon, i got to move back in with my mom, i got to develop a relationship with my neice, and i have been able to actually get somewhere in  my recovery from cutting. As of today, it has been 27 days since i cut last. Thinking back to earlier times when i wasnt so far in that recovery, 27 days seemed absolutely IMPOSSIBLE. I would like to go as long as i can without cutting though. It doesnt seem worth it anymore. Before, i would have done anything and everything i could to get ahold of a razor to tear skin with. Now, I think about it mostly every day, but the fact that i havent acted on it despite that i know where my razors are.
The not-so-good part was that my eating disorder has gotten pretty well out of control, and my relationship statuses have almost dissappeared. Not just boyfriend/girlfriend relationships-friendships, and support relationships too. I cant seem to let anyone in anymore. i dont feel like i deserve good healthy relationships, and especially not support. i feel like i am too needy, and i need to do this all by myself. Part of me thinks that i need to do this by myself because if i dont, i will be bothering everyone. Although i know that this is just ED talking, it is still very hard to quiet the voice that says that


my day today:
telling you what happened today reallly wouldnt make sense if i didnt tell you what happened yesterday too. So, yesterday i went to lunch at Wendy's with my friend catarina and her boyfriend David. I really had a lot of fun, and laughed more than i had in a while. I was trying my best to be determined to not purge what i ate when i got to school. I was late to class, and that is something i REALLY hate doing. Then i had a quiz for chemistry. The quiz was completely easy, but the 2 events sort of sent me into a frenzy. ALL i could think about the whole time i was taking the quiz was purging. I tried to focus on the quiz and i got finished with that in time to spare. Immediately after i got done with my quiz the sick part of my brain started thinking of a way to get to the bathroom to purge during classs. Sooner than i knew what was happening, i was on my way to the bathroom. I asked the teacher if i could go get a kleenex from the bathroom to blow my nose. i got in the bathroom and could barely stop myself from throwing up everything. Not only did i throw up the food that my friends boyfriend was nice enough to pay for, i lied to my teacher. This kept me in the purging mode all day. I purged 2 more times when i got home and still wanted to do it even when there was nothing in my stomache. I talked to a friend on facebook about this event, and i came to the conclusion that i should come clean about what happened yesterday.
I woke up for school this morning, looking forward to starting this day off great. i went to my zero hour, and focused as much as i possibly could. Then STRETCH (20 minute period of time used for tutoring by teachers) came around and i started the journey to spill my guts. I was quite calm when i walked in the science building at my school, and stayed that way until i got into the classroom with this teacher. Although i trust her very much, and really like her as a teacher, i was still completely frantic about what i was going to say. as soon as i got into her room and set my stuff down, pacing started, and i completely freaked out. She calmed me down a bit by offering a much needed hug. I then started with "eating is .. well .. probably one of my biggest fears". I then told her everything about the day before, and it turned out really well. She told me she wanted to help me, and that she would like me to talk to my counselor about this. I used to be very very close with my old counselor, mrs moring, but needless to say, we have definitely grown apart. I dont feel like i can go talk to her, because i feel like i would be bothering her. That she is to busy for me, and i just need to take care of things on my own. Im not sure whether im going to go along with my teachers advice, but i really want to give this a chance. I did tell my teacher what was going on, therefore i dont want to deny the help she wants to give me. Anyways, that was my day. It was completely stressful, but it was also good because i know i have made at least some progress with letting people in. We will see how it goes from here. im gonna stop talking now and get to sleep though. NIGHT!