Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Update, confusion, rambling...
It's funny to me that I can be okay without Ed for a few days, and then somewhere it just pops back into my head and it's like it never went away. In the past few weeks I have been able to go to a rangers game with my boyfriend with only a slight temptation to purge and was able to eat whatever I wanted, when i wanted. Somehow though, the number on the scale can be the same for days and will be okay, and then the next minute it's no longer acceptable. Yesterday, my cousin came in my room and said "Chelsea, do you still have bulimia? I was just wondering because you have been eating okay lately and I havent heard you throwing up lately" and all the sudden it all came back. The obsession about what my hip measurement, calorie consumption , an number on the scale was all I could think about. How does a person go from being able to eat without a lot of guilt to not being able to eat anything without having to write it down or count it? I hope I'll someday know....
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Trust.
there have been times in my life when I trust really well, and other times when I dont trust anyone. it's like Everytime I get comfortable trusting people and start believing they won't hurt me, the prove me so wrong. now I find myself scared to go on with my life bc I don't want to be violated again. so I finally made the decision to get in a relationship with a really nice guy who so far has treated me well. the times I have gone out with him, I had a lot of fun and i felt comfortable, but then we get in a relationship and all the sudden im scared to death that he is going to hurt me. l have a feeling that it's not him though; it's me, and my past. I know it's because I've been so hurt so many times in the past and I am trying to protect myself by being on guard all the time. on the other hand though, it's exhausting. I'm tired of letting my past control me. I want to be able to go on a date with him and not have that voice in the back of my head saying "watch out" 24/7. I have a feeling that this won't happen anytime soon though... :/
Monday, May 14, 2012
what NOT to say to someone with an eating disorder
there are 3 main kinds of eating disorders: anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder. there are also supposedly a million other types of disordered eating behaviors but my guess is that most of them Are within one or more of those three groups. thats just my guess...
have you ever wondered what kinds of things you shouldn't say to a person with an eating disorder? well, here's a couple of them. by the way, I am speaking from my experiences and the experiences of SOME of the people I have talked to In the past. if you are reading this and you know someone with an eating disorder, keep these things in mind but you don't need to walk on eggshells around he/she. sooner or later they are going to have to deal with triggers but please just be cautious.
1) "your not underweight so your not in danger and/or struggling with an eating disorder." First of all, that's not true. the STEREOTYPICAL eating disordered patient has anorexia and is just skin and bones. when someone thinks of eating disorders, the first thing they think of is anorexia. however, a lot of the time, a person is not underweight but may still be in the danger zone. from my own experience, someone saying something like this means that I'm not doing a good enough job of starving myself, so I need to try harder. I need to more to get to my goal weight even if I haven't eaten for days. logically, it doesn't make sense but that is where an eating disordered mind is going to go.
2) "wow, you look great!" I understand that not everyone is aware of people tht have eating disorders and I don't expect everyone to think everyone may be struggling. however, if you know or think a person may have one, please try to not say stuff like that. for me, its sorta like telling me I was fat before I started. yea, yea, I know it's totally the opposite of number 1, but it still feels like your saying "you look great now, wait until u lose even more weight!" .
3) don't mention anything about what that person is eating. i can only speak for me, but i am always fighting it every time I eat. it means that I am going against what my disordered mind is telling me to do and quite often, that's not easy. when someone is more recovered, this may not bother them. but if they are like me, and they are still struggling, this may not be the right subject during conversation.
4) don't try not to talk about diets that you or someone you know are trying. like I said, there's no need to feel like your walking on eggshells all the time, but this is definitely a tough subject for anyone struggling with an ed. for me, it's hard to realize that I'm no longer able to do "healthy diets." My kind of diet is unhealthy and could kill me if I don't get a handle on it. when I hear people talking about diets, I automatically think "oh I could try that" ... but I can't. diets are a no-go when your trying to recover from an Ed. talking about it just makes Ed that more appealing, for me anyways.
I'm not sure if that would help anyone. everyone is different and everyone has there own triggers. people get triggered different ways. if you are reading this and trying to help someone with an eating disorder, just try to be there for them. make sure they know you care and help when you can but ultimately they have to make the decision for themselves.
have you ever wondered what kinds of things you shouldn't say to a person with an eating disorder? well, here's a couple of them. by the way, I am speaking from my experiences and the experiences of SOME of the people I have talked to In the past. if you are reading this and you know someone with an eating disorder, keep these things in mind but you don't need to walk on eggshells around he/she. sooner or later they are going to have to deal with triggers but please just be cautious.
1) "your not underweight so your not in danger and/or struggling with an eating disorder." First of all, that's not true. the STEREOTYPICAL eating disordered patient has anorexia and is just skin and bones. when someone thinks of eating disorders, the first thing they think of is anorexia. however, a lot of the time, a person is not underweight but may still be in the danger zone. from my own experience, someone saying something like this means that I'm not doing a good enough job of starving myself, so I need to try harder. I need to more to get to my goal weight even if I haven't eaten for days. logically, it doesn't make sense but that is where an eating disordered mind is going to go.
2) "wow, you look great!" I understand that not everyone is aware of people tht have eating disorders and I don't expect everyone to think everyone may be struggling. however, if you know or think a person may have one, please try to not say stuff like that. for me, its sorta like telling me I was fat before I started. yea, yea, I know it's totally the opposite of number 1, but it still feels like your saying "you look great now, wait until u lose even more weight!" .
3) don't mention anything about what that person is eating. i can only speak for me, but i am always fighting it every time I eat. it means that I am going against what my disordered mind is telling me to do and quite often, that's not easy. when someone is more recovered, this may not bother them. but if they are like me, and they are still struggling, this may not be the right subject during conversation.
4) don't try not to talk about diets that you or someone you know are trying. like I said, there's no need to feel like your walking on eggshells all the time, but this is definitely a tough subject for anyone struggling with an ed. for me, it's hard to realize that I'm no longer able to do "healthy diets." My kind of diet is unhealthy and could kill me if I don't get a handle on it. when I hear people talking about diets, I automatically think "oh I could try that" ... but I can't. diets are a no-go when your trying to recover from an Ed. talking about it just makes Ed that more appealing, for me anyways.
I'm not sure if that would help anyone. everyone is different and everyone has there own triggers. people get triggered different ways. if you are reading this and trying to help someone with an eating disorder, just try to be there for them. make sure they know you care and help when you can but ultimately they have to make the decision for themselves.
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