Update, confusion, rambling...

It's funny to me that I can be okay without Ed for a few days, and then somewhere it just pops back into my head and it's like it never went away. In the past few weeks I have been able to go to a rangers game with my boyfriend with only a slight temptation to purge and was able to eat whatever I wanted, when i wanted. Somehow though, the number on the scale can be the same for days and will be okay, and then the next minute it's no longer acceptable. Yesterday, my cousin came in my room and said "Chelsea, do you still have bulimia? I was just wondering because you have been eating okay lately and I havent heard you throwing up lately" and all the sudden it all came back. The obsession about what my hip measurement, calorie consumption , an number on the scale was all I could think about. How does a person go from being able to eat without a lot of guilt to not being able to eat anything without having to write it down or count it? I hope I'll someday know....

Trust.

there have been times in my life when I trust really well, and other times when I dont trust anyone. it's like Everytime I get comfortable trusting people and start believing they won't hurt me, the prove me so wrong. now I find myself scared to go on with my life bc I don't want to be violated again. so I finally made the decision to get in a relationship with a really nice guy who so far has treated me well. the times I have gone out with him, I had a lot of fun and i felt comfortable, but then we get in a relationship and all the sudden im scared to death that he is going to hurt me. l have a feeling that it's not him though; it's me, and my past. I know it's because I've been so hurt so many times in the past and I am trying to protect myself by being on guard all the time. on the other hand though, it's exhausting. I'm tired of letting my past control me. I want to be able to go on a date with him and not have that voice in the back of my head saying "watch out" 24/7. I have a feeling that this won't happen anytime soon though... :/