communicatingg!

Good communication skills:
Making eye contact.
Nodding occasionally to acknowledge a strong point in the conversation.
Standing with hands clasped in front of you, never crossing your arms.
Not displaying nervous ticks such as wringing hands, picking at your nails, or anything that the person communicating with you will view as a distraction from their conversation.

So i went back to school today and overall it was a great day. There were a few rough parts, but i got through them. I have to do my senior paper for my AP English class this semester and since I havent been here the last few days, my teacher was explaining the project and i was listening. I have always thought i was good at looking at people during conversations and paying attention. However, today i realized that i am totally not good at it. I was talking to my teacher, and for the life of me I couldnt look her in the eyes. It was everywhere else but her eyes. At one point I  actually tried really hard to look her straight in the eyes and I couldnt do it. This caught me off guard and I didnt exactly know what to think about it. I still dont. It tells me that I need to work on really being engaged in more conversations. I am notttt a people person and I get anxious so easily. Its really annoying because i want to be able to give people my full attention and I dont feel like I was. Anyways, I was just thinking about that and I wanted to get that out. Peace outt:)

Update

Okay so my life has been ... Well, crazy. I am going back to school tomorrow for the first day this semester. Im nervous about what my teachers think about me now that i have missed the first three days or four days of the semester. I cant help but think that they think i am a slacker and i dont care about school. It was true for a few weeks but only because i just wasnt able to handle it. Ive effed up my senior year and i feel like ive let everyone down. My mom was telling my aunt that she didnt think i was going to graduate on time and then looked at me with a dirty look. I hate that i worked my ass off my whole high school career and then the year that counts goes to shit. Maybe it was wrong of me to think that i could graduate wit really good grades. Ever since i set that goal my life has gone nuts and i haven't done it at all. Okay i just needed to get that off my chest.
So alot has happened since i last posted. I went into the hospital for suicidal thoughts which were solely because of my eating disorder. I was not able to force myself to eat more than a few bites at a time and i didnt know how to try harder. I didnt know what was going to become of anything and i knew that i couldnt finish school like i had planned. I have been trying to get to a place where i can get somewhere in recovery i just have no idea how. My mom and i have talked many many times about treatment and now that i have medicaid, its just a matter of finding a center that will take me. The only facility my mom wants me to go to is in new hampshire abd i will be there for a year. A YEAR!!! Thats a really long time and i dont think im prepared to go that far away for that long. I live in oklahoma. Its a long way. I dont want to go into a treatment center if im not 100% willing to stAy when i get there. Its a waste of time and money that doesnt need to be spent. I went into the inpatient place expecting that they would do me good and they told me in the first ten minutes "no amount of treatment is going to help you. No amount of counseling, support, meds, anything will help you. You have to do it yourself." then they admitted me against my will and kept me there for eight days of hell. They put me on pristiq which didnt help one bit and fed us every two hours-mainly junk. They didnt notice me not eating or just didnt care until i passed out and hit my head on the counter and broke my nose. Then they took me to the er and brought me back and decided that they needed to be my "food police". Watching my every move and everything i put into my mouthi and charting it. Then tried to get me to drink ensure but didnt watch me enough to know i poured all of them down the toilet. Haha. They didnt realize that the other patients were actually asking for my food.
Im not trying to complain here, but i thought i was going inpatient for help. Not to get worse off in my ed. Its worse than ever and im still trying to get it under control. Im not sure what to say next..... Bye?

Purpose for this blog

Heres the thing: i started this blog as a journal and then people started looking at my blog and then i decided that i wanted to use it for a different purpose...that of trying to help people with or without eating disorders to understand more about what they are and how they work. Im not so sure i have done a good job at this. I read over my pervious blog posts and all i see is me complaining about how hard it is to eat and how frustrating it is to have eaten and have to fight with what seems like myself but is really something outside myself-ana, mia, or most commonly known as ed. At first writing this post i was going to say that i need to change the way i write. However by writing this ive figured out that i actually did a good job with that. If not, i did a good job explaining it in my opinion. If u read this blog and have any suggestioons, write me a note in the chat box at the right and/or comment. Thanks:)

Update

TRIGGER WARNING
okay so today is the second of January 2012 and as always i have had the thought of "im going to lose weight this year!" to say the least ..
i decided to add this app on my ipod and it was a writing prompt app. here are some of the questions and examples of  the first thing that always comes to mind when i read it.

1)
Q: What resolutions have you made for the new year?
A: Lose Weight. Lose Weight. Lose Weight.

2)
Q: What kind of daily rituals are calming or comforting to you?
A: Starving myself. Purging. Any Ed Behaviors.

3)
Q: List some of your accomplishments from last year.
A: -I lost weight. .. well, thats about all..

4)
Q: What are you reminded of when you smell chocolate or cocoa?
A: How fat i am. How much i need to restrict. how much i have already eaten that day. How much i cant eat.

So, as i was writing this, it felt like i was saying the same things i have said in all of my former posts. This is kind of true. However, it fits. Eating disorders, in my opinion, are all about the familiar. We do the same things to expect the same results. Doing anything else scares the crap out of us.

it seems like all im doing lately is obsessing about my weight .. riding a horse the other day and i was thinking "do i look fat while im up here? i hope not." I hope i will someday be free from this obsession but im not sure that im ready to give it up just yet. I want to be able to eat without feeling a million pounds heavier, but i dont want to be a million pounds heavier either. I will figure this out. I think im just rambling now.. if your reading this, please Post in the chat box on ----->> side of the screen and tell me what u think of my blog.. i need feedback! :) thanks, and happy new year!
Xoxo,
chelsea