Typically Insane Thoughts Of Mine...

TRIGGERING

"You make me sick.
Why the hell did you eat that many calories in one day?!
You took diet pills for christ sake..
You're such a failure.
You eat so damn much and you don't even purge it; how dare you!?
Your going to get fatter ya know...
U already weigh a huge 122 and you should be ashamed of yourself! Tomorrow is a new day.
If u dont eat tomorrow or Wednesday m, maybe this could pass. But just remember what the chances of you ever being skinny are. Not lookin good for ya!"
Updated the next day :
Haha this probably makes absolutely no sense but it was what I was thinking at about midnight last night. Some of it I feel like is completely true in that j will never be skinny. Some people say 122 is amazing and they would kill to e that weight. However I don't feel it's all that it's cracked up to be. I'm done talking until next time..
Xoxo chelsea Xoxoxo

Just Another Blog Post About My Boring Ole Life!

TRIGGER WARNING.

So another week ends. The same kinda week that ends every Saturday evening. This Saturday is no different. I woke up, looked in the mirror and said "Geez your huge. you shouldn't eat today." i didn't eat very much today. after i ate the only thing i had today, i did something that slightly shocks me. i went to my safe, and pulled a box of laxatives out. i read on the back of the box how many is a normal dose for an adult and took twice what it said. Now im just waiting for them to kick in. within the past hour, i have been extremely tempted to take even more. These actions shock the healthy side of chelsea. the unhealthy part, which is the biggest part, couldnt care less.

My mom is one i have looked up to my whole life. Right now i know she is struggling a lot. She has gained weight and although i have noticed that she is not able to do the things she used to, i still love her tons and her weight changes nothing for me. However, i can tell that she is unbelievably unhappy about her weight and her size. she has started buying diet pills and exercise machines and other weight loss things. She doesnt want to leave the house because she feels as if she is the most ugly thing on the planet and NEEDS to stay in the house all day. Im worried. we've been through this before. Something always happens. When it does, she stops everything. She stops taking her medicine, talking to her therapist, going to AA, brushing her hair, taking a shower. she sleeps all day. She is late to pick me up from school. i can always tell when she is depressed, but i dont know what to do except to secretly be worried. I dont want her to stop eating, and honestly im not sure why i think she will, but it scares me. She bought diet pills, i took them from her. i dont want her to be unhappy, but even more than that, i dont want her to have an eating disorder either. Im not even sure if this makes sense. i dont know what to do. Alanon has been in my life in the past (for people who dont know what alanon is, its a program for family and friends of alcoholics. They work the same steps as AA and apply some of the same principles of AA except that they dont have problems with alcohol.) and i thought about going back, but im just not sure that i fit there. I tried to talk to my old sponsor but im just not sure if she gets it......

thats enough of my babbling:) until next time! thanks for reading!
love, chelsealou

Cast Party. Same Ole Drama. Making Progress??

So if you read my former posts you would know that I am in stage craft and we were doing the production of the Oliver [Twist] musical. Sunday was our last show and then we had to strike the set. It was not as bad as I thought it would be and we got done early enough that I allowed myself to go to the cast party. It was something that I was both excited and nervous about. We started strike at around 4:30 pm and finished at about 7:30 pm. I got a ride from another one of my stagecraft classmates, and was okay about it until i got to the party. I walked in, saw how many people were there and how much food was there and immediately wanted to go home. I hadn't eaten since about noon and i wasn't really hungry because of the diet pills i had taken earlier in the day. All the sudden i wanted to get the heck out of that place. Everybody hadnt even arrived yet and i already wanted to leave. i felt pathetic. i felt dumb. i felt like a complete failure because i havent ever stayed at a party because im too afraid im going to fuck things up - even if i wanted to stay to start with. So about 20 minutes after i got to the party, most of the cast members had arrived and my anxiety was building fast. Then pizza came into the room. Things like "i wonder if it would be really THAT bad to purge at a school party...." and "maybe i could just eat one piece and purge really fast and no one would notice.." came into my mind and it was starting to make me crazy. I didnt want to draw attention to myself so i tried to distract myself through getting something to drink. I went up to the counter, grabbed a drink, and a cup. The combination of too many people, too much food, and too much anxiety made my concentration like zero. I spilled the drink all over the table. Have you ever heard the phrase "Dont Cry Over Spilled Milk"? well, im still not exactly sure but i totally wanted to go purge and then cry like right then and there. instead of doing any of the things that i wanted to do, i borrowed a friends phone and called my mom to come pick me up.

Part of me feels super dumb for being as dramatic as i was last night, but the other part feels as if i made a lot of progress. Its really hard for me to say that i ever do anything good because i feel as if i am bragging. Im not sure. Comment :)