Update.

I am so sorry guys. I haven't updated in SO long. Mostly bc I haven't had ne way of getting on my blog and I've been so totally in relapse mode its not even funny. And I didnt really have anything to say.

So much has happened. Thanksgiving was an epic fail. I relapsed about 10 days before and couldn't even deal with anything at thanskgiving. I was a train wreck. Ended up going to a party the next weekend and getting drunk and passing out. Man do I feel bad about that. I feel like ppl look at me way differently than before. Blake, my fiance, is so helpful and so loving, but I don't feel like I'm worth his love. I feel like I dissapoint him everytime I miss a meal. I just don't want to miserably fail at recovery again. Like every other time I have tried. REALLY TRIED, I mean. I guess part of me feels like I shouldn't be happy. Like I don't deserve it. I have no idea why, either. I love Blake n I want to spend the rest of my life with him but how in the hell can he love someone with this much fucking baggage. I dont know how I'm EVER gonna escape the grips of anorexia and just be happy. I ate dinner only for three days and then yesterday couldn't do it anymore. It's like I would somehow be failing myself if I ate. I'm just tired. Tired of Ana. Tired of exercise. Tired of Blake telling me he is worried bout me. Tired of my aunt asking me if I've eaten. I just want to go back to the way it was. I want to have my eating disorder in the background and have everyone think everything is okay with me.

Just. Like. It. Was. Before. My. Mom. Died.

That's enough for tonight. Imma go draw. Peace!

Just rambling on and on and on

As always, my life has been rather crazy. And Ed's voice has been louder than ever. And like always, i dont have the energy to fight him, so again i just listen. That's sad to say. Sometimes i hate it, sometimes i love it. I don't know HOW in the world i could like listening to ed, but sometimes i don't mind it as much as fighting him. That makes more since i guess since its the more comfortable thing to do. So many thoughts and emotions are running through my head when i am in ed, but it seems like there are even more when im not.

How is it that I can crash my friends birthday party with a sudden trip to the er, go half into a coma, and STILL come out with nothing learned? How does all of that happen and I don't feel sick enough. How is it that I can make a huge leap into recovery by smashing the shit out of my scale and then have the biggest relapse I've had. How is it that I can read 50 pages of the anorexics and bulimics anonymous (ABA) book and think about it a little, and then turn around and write in a proana journal.

Subconsciously I think I'm lying to myself. I'm making myself stay in relapse mode bc I don't want to do the work to recover. How sad is that. I don't remember what post it was but somewhere in this blog history, I wrote about proanas "anorexia is a lifestyle, not a disease" thing. Funny, bc I wrote that just a few days ago.

Don't know what its gonna take and when I will wanna recover. Maybe after Christmas or the new year or my wedding, or the anniversary of my moms death. Maybe then. Just not today.

That's how it is. Like it or dislike it.

Poetry/Edited Song Lyrics

In My Mother's Eyes

In my eyes,
you are a hero,
you are strong and wise,
And you know no fear,
But the truth is plain to see,
you were sent to rescue me,
I see who I want to be,
In my mother's eyes

In my mother's eyes,
Everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace,
This miracle god gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe,
In my mother's eyes

Its Her birthday today
Were on our way to her grave.
Will I cry?
I dont want to cry though.
i should cry.
i NEED to cry.
But i wont.
Not now.
I have to be strong
just like so many people told me to do.