Suicide Prevention Week: How suicide attempts have affected my life..

Me: "Mom, please come swimming with us. Please!"
Mom: "I have to go to my meeting"
Me: "Can I go with you? Ill be quiet. You wont even know im there.."
Mom: "No, you cant go with me. Stay here with your brother and go swimming"
Me: "Will you come swimming with us when ur meeting is over?"
Mom: "Yes, Chelsea. I will go swimming with you after my meeting. I have to go now. I love you."
Me: "i love you too. Promise??"
Mom: "Yes. I promise. I have to go now before im late. I love you, bye"

I remember all too well the events of that day. My mom picked me and my brother up from school, and then took my brother to the YMCA across the street. I remember she was irritated more than she was before and i didnt know why. i wanted to somehow cheer her up and i wanted to spend time with her so i asked her to go swimming with my brother and i. Little did i know, it was more than just a bad day she was having. She was going to a NA meeting to take a bunch of Ibuprofen to try to kill herself. What she didnt think of was how that was gonna effect her 11 year old daughter and 15 year old son. Turns out that we didnt have anyone else to call or have pick us up from school so we were left outside at night just waiting for someone to pick us up. We just sat there waiting for hours until my moms NA sponsor came to pick us up. The first thing out of her mouth was "is there anything that you guys know of that your mom could have gotten ahold of to make her sick?" I was 11 at the time and i didnt know what she meant. I remember being confused when she told me what happened. I didnt understand why my mom would do such a thing. The next day, my brother and i were moved back to Texas with my dad. For the next two years, i didnt know if she was gonna try to kill herself again. I didnt know if i would have a mom next week. Luckily, my mom got better. it took her 2 years to get better the first time, but eventually i was able to move back in with her. For a very long time after this happened, i was terrified that it would happen the same way again and she would succeed at killing herself. If she hadnt picked me up within 10 minutes of school letting out, i would freak out, thinking "did something happen? did she forget to pick me up or did she try to kill herself again?" I would almost have panic attacts because i was so fearful that the past would repeat itself.

I guess what i am trying to say by writing this post is that suicide attempts affect not only you, but everyone around you. Your brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, kids, grandkids, all of them. if you feel suicidal, or you know someone who does, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Its not only your life your changing, its everyone around you.

Mom's Birthday

Today is my moms birthday. She died 5 months, 23 days ago.  I miss her each and everyday. I wish i could have her meet my fiance Blake. I wish she could have seen me graduate. I wish she could have been there for Aunt Pats hip replacement. I wish she could have been there for Persephone's birth. She would have been ecstatic to have another grand-daughter! She would have been ecstatic to meet blake. She would have loved him as much as i do. I wish i hadnt had to spend the day at a grave to celebrate her birthday. I wish i could see her and hug her just ONE more time. Then i will be happy.
Goodbye for now.

Update and apology

APOLOGY:

First let me say that I am sorry for not posting as much as I'd like to. Second, I would like to apologize to everyone for not being completely honest. I guess I've felt like my life has been too crazy to actually tell people about so I just write the bare minimum. My first post was me saying that I was going to write the truth and nothing else. No sugar coated posts. Most of them in the past have succeeded in that, but the latest ones have not. That ends now.

UPDATE:

I think it's safe to say that I've completely relapsed and I'm honestly not sure i care. August is the start of all of the family birthdays, holidays and everything and it doesn't end until february 27. There are birthdays and holidays every couple of weeks until then and this is the first set without my mom. I guess I am just using this to forget all of the things that are on my mind. its easier to focus on numbers and obsession rather than all the other shit on my mind. Like the fact that my mom is in Heaven without me, my dad is no longer willing or allowed to talk to me anymore, my sisters are not speaking to me either, and I most likely will never see one of my nieces again. All because I took a stand against people sexually assaulting me for the first time in my entire life. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to let people know how messed up I am because of it. Wet since my mom died, its like something in me died with her but I'm still trying to figure out what part it was. I don't know if that makes sense. Ever since this happened, I have been angry and confused and mad at the world and I'm taking it out on myself. Ed has gotten louder and I have gotten quieter. (the part in side me that is healthy, aka me; and the part that is sick, aka Ed) I havent lost a lot of weight, number wise, but if u take into consideration the way I did it and the number of days that it took me to do it, then yes, it's bad and yea that is a good deal of weight.

Also, I got my first tattoo last week. It is the symbol for the National Eating Disorder Association. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't have gotten this tattoo because I'm not in recovery. If your going to get a tattoo that symbolizes recovery, then u have to be willing to be in recovery and I'm not. Anyways, here's a picture:)