Update

TRIGGER WARNING
okay so today is the second of January 2012 and as always i have had the thought of "im going to lose weight this year!" to say the least ..
i decided to add this app on my ipod and it was a writing prompt app. here are some of the questions and examples of  the first thing that always comes to mind when i read it.

1)
Q: What resolutions have you made for the new year?
A: Lose Weight. Lose Weight. Lose Weight.

2)
Q: What kind of daily rituals are calming or comforting to you?
A: Starving myself. Purging. Any Ed Behaviors.

3)
Q: List some of your accomplishments from last year.
A: -I lost weight. .. well, thats about all..

4)
Q: What are you reminded of when you smell chocolate or cocoa?
A: How fat i am. How much i need to restrict. how much i have already eaten that day. How much i cant eat.

So, as i was writing this, it felt like i was saying the same things i have said in all of my former posts. This is kind of true. However, it fits. Eating disorders, in my opinion, are all about the familiar. We do the same things to expect the same results. Doing anything else scares the crap out of us.

it seems like all im doing lately is obsessing about my weight .. riding a horse the other day and i was thinking "do i look fat while im up here? i hope not." I hope i will someday be free from this obsession but im not sure that im ready to give it up just yet. I want to be able to eat without feeling a million pounds heavier, but i dont want to be a million pounds heavier either. I will figure this out. I think im just rambling now.. if your reading this, please Post in the chat box on ----->> side of the screen and tell me what u think of my blog.. i need feedback! :) thanks, and happy new year!
Xoxo,
chelsea

Murder in my hometown, Ed, feelings, update

Okay so I grew up in a small town in north Texas called burkburnett Texas and I have been with a church most of my life--Calvary baptist church. Well in about mid July of 2010, a murder occurred in that tiny old town of burkburnett. Tommy morrow, a former member of calvary baptist church, murdered his mother, Helen Clark. It strikes me in a weird way that this person that I loved so much and used to sit by during church services could do such a lovely women who I can only remember as being sooo nice. I'm not exactly where I am going with this post but I felt it necessary to express my confusion over this event. Turns out that my dad helped investigate tommys mothers death and that also kinda slapps me in the face. I don't understand how it Is so close to my home. To me. To my family. I heard tonight that tommy got only 20 years in prison for this crime. Knowing both the perp and the victim, I can't help but cringe at the thought of him ever getting out. It makes me wonder how safe that town actually is... That's all for this subject

In other news, I have been feeling like im just feeling sorry for myself and unsure about my role in life--what I'm here for. I have had an overwhelming sense of 'nobody needs me and I'm just bothering others so I need to keep everything to myself' feeling. However, I am trying to figure a way to combat this. I want to be in Ann and jaynee's life (and other friends as will but I can't name u all:) ) and I know they both like talking to me. Sometimes Ed likes to tell me I'm unworthy of these two wonderful people-and sometimes I believe him- but I dont want to have to believe him anymore. I don't want to have to think that I'm unworthy because I AM WORTHY of good friendship. I'm tired of doing everything Ed says even if it hurts me. Here are some lovely quotes that I desperately need to remember in order to combat Ed.
"Dude. Chill. I love you. You didn't do anything wrong. -Ann
You're silly. I need you. I care about you. Don't forget it." -Ann
UPDATE UR STINKING BLOG! I LOVE READING IT! -Jaynee


Update:
Well, the last paragraph was a big update so I don't want to write a ton more but there is some stuff that went on that I ddnt mention.
1) I've been missing a ton of school Lately bc I have been so depressed and uninterested in anything educational which is totally not like me.
2) I am pretty sure I'm changing therapists most likely after the new year just because I locked myself out of my phone and haven't been able to get the contact persons number and I won't get a new sim chip until New years. Anyways so I had a friend call a friend who called another friend who called me who is willing to find me an therapist who specializes in eds only. I was unsure of this being a good idea until I talked it over with my therapist about it. I asked her what she though and as always she said "your the adult I will back u either way but I do think it would be good for you" and it helped to ease my mind about the situation. Hopefully it will happen without a lot of wait time. *Fingers crossed*


And last but not least, behaviors.
I have been doing semi good not doing behaviors but it has been hard. I have been having some pain lately that has not been there before and I Thad some blood that came out when I purged earlier. Ed has just been on my case big time lately and I haven't been doing a good job at reaching out that much.

My iPod battery is going dead do I'm going to stop and charge it so goodnight


Xoxo,
Chels

Scared Outta My Mind Right Nowww

Okay so my mom and I live in these apartments that are nice and I always thought it was a safe neighborhood until last night. Everything was fine until about 10:30 pm. My mom and I decided we were hungry and wanted to get something to eat so we were gonna go to subway. (ik 10:30 is late bit I was hungry bc j hadnt eaten all day) we were on our wag out the door and I stepped into the foyer Abd there were two people that I had never seen before sitting in the staircase. We were just about to lock the door when my mom figured out we didn't have the keys, So we both went inside to look for them. We came out into the foyer again and one of the people were gone. I ddnt think anything of it. We walked outside and there were two it three other ppl running towards us. I was a little uneasy about this but I didn't want to show my concern over something I didn't know was wrong. We proceeded on to the car and went to subway. Went through the drive through and our car broke down. After a few minutes my Mom and I decided that we were going to walk back to the house and call my stepdad for help. We got back to the apartment and the ppl that we're there before were gone. I looked around the foyer like I always do and saw something that freaked me out so bad it's not even funny. My neighbors door has been kicked in and we didn't know if she was home before we left or not. I was seriously scared for her. We opened our door and I saw that our door had been messed with as well. I immediately jumped on fb and got my neighbors number and called her and left a message to call me back ASAP. Long story short I got ahold of her and she came back home and we called the police and made a report.

It's 3:27 am and I'm sitting in my living room I the dark practically jumping out of my skin at every sound. I'm not sure that in over reacting or not. I dont think I am. We had our security (is that the right word??) jeopardized and it really scares me. It pisses me off that I can't even sleep in my own bed bc I'm afraid someone will come to my window and look in my room or something. I have therapy tomorrow and I have no way to get to school so I will hopefully be able to get some of. This fear out of me with therapy... Hopefully...

Anyways I just wanted to check in and tell u what's going on... Until next time

Xoxo,
Chelsea