Just rambling on and on and on

As always, my life has been rather crazy. And Ed's voice has been louder than ever. And like always, i dont have the energy to fight him, so again i just listen. That's sad to say. Sometimes i hate it, sometimes i love it. I don't know HOW in the world i could like listening to ed, but sometimes i don't mind it as much as fighting him. That makes more since i guess since its the more comfortable thing to do. So many thoughts and emotions are running through my head when i am in ed, but it seems like there are even more when im not.

How is it that I can crash my friends birthday party with a sudden trip to the er, go half into a coma, and STILL come out with nothing learned? How does all of that happen and I don't feel sick enough. How is it that I can make a huge leap into recovery by smashing the shit out of my scale and then have the biggest relapse I've had. How is it that I can read 50 pages of the anorexics and bulimics anonymous (ABA) book and think about it a little, and then turn around and write in a proana journal.

Subconsciously I think I'm lying to myself. I'm making myself stay in relapse mode bc I don't want to do the work to recover. How sad is that. I don't remember what post it was but somewhere in this blog history, I wrote about proanas "anorexia is a lifestyle, not a disease" thing. Funny, bc I wrote that just a few days ago.

Don't know what its gonna take and when I will wanna recover. Maybe after Christmas or the new year or my wedding, or the anniversary of my moms death. Maybe then. Just not today.

That's how it is. Like it or dislike it.

Poetry/Edited Song Lyrics

In My Mother's Eyes

In my eyes,
you are a hero,
you are strong and wise,
And you know no fear,
But the truth is plain to see,
you were sent to rescue me,
I see who I want to be,
In my mother's eyes

In my mother's eyes,
Everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace,
This miracle god gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe,
In my mother's eyes

Its Her birthday today
Were on our way to her grave.
Will I cry?
I dont want to cry though.
i should cry.
i NEED to cry.
But i wont.
Not now.
I have to be strong
just like so many people told me to do.

Suicide Prevention Week: How suicide attempts have affected my life..

Me: "Mom, please come swimming with us. Please!"
Mom: "I have to go to my meeting"
Me: "Can I go with you? Ill be quiet. You wont even know im there.."
Mom: "No, you cant go with me. Stay here with your brother and go swimming"
Me: "Will you come swimming with us when ur meeting is over?"
Mom: "Yes, Chelsea. I will go swimming with you after my meeting. I have to go now. I love you."
Me: "i love you too. Promise??"
Mom: "Yes. I promise. I have to go now before im late. I love you, bye"

I remember all too well the events of that day. My mom picked me and my brother up from school, and then took my brother to the YMCA across the street. I remember she was irritated more than she was before and i didnt know why. i wanted to somehow cheer her up and i wanted to spend time with her so i asked her to go swimming with my brother and i. Little did i know, it was more than just a bad day she was having. She was going to a NA meeting to take a bunch of Ibuprofen to try to kill herself. What she didnt think of was how that was gonna effect her 11 year old daughter and 15 year old son. Turns out that we didnt have anyone else to call or have pick us up from school so we were left outside at night just waiting for someone to pick us up. We just sat there waiting for hours until my moms NA sponsor came to pick us up. The first thing out of her mouth was "is there anything that you guys know of that your mom could have gotten ahold of to make her sick?" I was 11 at the time and i didnt know what she meant. I remember being confused when she told me what happened. I didnt understand why my mom would do such a thing. The next day, my brother and i were moved back to Texas with my dad. For the next two years, i didnt know if she was gonna try to kill herself again. I didnt know if i would have a mom next week. Luckily, my mom got better. it took her 2 years to get better the first time, but eventually i was able to move back in with her. For a very long time after this happened, i was terrified that it would happen the same way again and she would succeed at killing herself. If she hadnt picked me up within 10 minutes of school letting out, i would freak out, thinking "did something happen? did she forget to pick me up or did she try to kill herself again?" I would almost have panic attacts because i was so fearful that the past would repeat itself.

I guess what i am trying to say by writing this post is that suicide attempts affect not only you, but everyone around you. Your brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, kids, grandkids, all of them. if you feel suicidal, or you know someone who does, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Its not only your life your changing, its everyone around you.

Mom's Birthday

Today is my moms birthday. She died 5 months, 23 days ago.  I miss her each and everyday. I wish i could have her meet my fiance Blake. I wish she could have seen me graduate. I wish she could have been there for Aunt Pats hip replacement. I wish she could have been there for Persephone's birth. She would have been ecstatic to have another grand-daughter! She would have been ecstatic to meet blake. She would have loved him as much as i do. I wish i hadnt had to spend the day at a grave to celebrate her birthday. I wish i could see her and hug her just ONE more time. Then i will be happy.
Goodbye for now.