grieving...

why do i always feel like im not grieving the "right way"? if im not in my eating disorder 24/7, im not doing it right. if im not crying all day everyday, im not doing it right. if im not completely lost over this all the time, im not doing it right. if i laugh and have fun, it means im forgetting that my mom just died. Why do i feel like i need to be torn apart everyday because of this. I had such a good relationship and i am 100% sure that she would NOT want me to have to fight myself about how i take the news and life without her. She would not want me to be at war with myself 24/7, so why do i insist on feeling like i have to be?

my eating behaviors have started to get bad again. i dont want to eat because i feel like If I do, I'm not grieving the "right way" ...

update:
I started a new school yesterday ... I hadn't cried about anything since my moms funeral.. but yesterday I broke down a little.. I can't imagine how I'm gonna do this without my mom... I can't fathom death. I don't know what it means to really die, but I guess anyone who is reading this doesn't know either.. the counselors kept saying "you are going to have to work hard but u can graduate this year I bet" and "you have been through so much lately" and "I'm here for you whenever you need to talk or anything" but I don't believe the last one... people have Said that to me before and that's the last thing they did. they were there for me for a while, but after that they got tired of being there and they wouldnt even talk to me anymore.. I don't want to talk to anyone or let anyone be there I just want to do all of this by myself. you know what else I hate!? "I'm so sorry for your loss" and "things will get better!" ... NO THEY WON'T! NOTHING WILL GET BETTER WITHOUT MY MOM! there is always going to be a giant hole in my heart from the huge piece of me that left when my mom died. I find myself wanting to call her and tell her about my day at school and how I stuck up for some ones sister when he said she was insane. I find myself thinking that she is going to walk in the room and hug me and tell me she loves me. but that's never going to happen and that's a FACT! I need to just figure this out. on my own. okay I'm just rambling...I'm getting of here.. bye guys

In Loving Memory of My Mom

Dana Renee Vincent 

September 6, 1970 - March 14, 2012

This is my mom. Wasn't she gorgeous? There was never a day in my life that i didnt know my mom loved me. She was the most amazing, loving, and caring mother in the world and i could have never asked for a better one if i tried. My mom had problems, she was not a perfect person, but she did the best she could and i never doubted her love for me and my brother. She was working on her doctorate in Social Work at Capella University, online. She was a veteran of the United States Navy. She loved Texas Longhorn Football. One thing that i loved the most about my mom was that she was always willing to help others whenever she could. I remember that she told me when she let someone "borrow" something, she didn't need to be paid back, because it was a gift. Another thing i loved about her is that she loved to laugh. She could always find something to laugh about even when she was having a hard time. i remember one winter when we decided to go to the mall and when we got done, we called the taxi and had to wait for it to come, so we sat down by the wall of the mall, and started singing every Christmas song we knew.. most of them we didnt even know all the words to so we just made them up. one time, when it was just me and her and we were bored with nothing else to do, i put in an Aly and AJ CD and we sang "potential breakup song" as loud and bad as we could. in no way were we trying to sing the song well, we were just laughing, singing and dancing, without a care in the world. every time i was sad or upset about something, i would listen to that song and it made me feel a whole lot better.

i know its been a while since i have written, but i  have had a lot going on. i havent had my ipod or internet for a while. i came to texas to stay for a week when my mom was inpatient, and she was going to come down to texas to see my neice and i was going to go back to oklahoma to get back into the normal schedule. but that didnt happen. it will never happpen. things will never ever be the same. my mom got out of inpatient on the 7th of march and was supposed to come get me that day. instead, she changed her mind and wanted to stay in oklahoma for a week so she could get caught up on her school work. the last time i talked to her, it was the 10th of march and i never heard from her again. on the 14th of march, i hadnt heard from her -- no one had heard from her. i didnt want to believe anything was wrong so i just asked my brother to call and see if she would answer. when he found out how long it had been since we had heard from her, he called the Norman Police Department to do a welfare check. it took about an hour to get into the house and when they did, she had already died. the police officer then called me and told me. i didnt take it so well. i screamed and cried and pulled out grass and then shut down. we planned the funeral and attended that and all went well accept the military honors part (they thanked my brother for our FATHERS military service) ..

im doing okay now i guess... it still doesnt feel real. im trying to find it somewhere in me to let myself grieve the way i need to. to be vulnerable. to cry, to not cry. just to do what i need. it will happen, someday. i have hope.