Murder in my hometown, Ed, feelings, update

Okay so I grew up in a small town in north Texas called burkburnett Texas and I have been with a church most of my life--Calvary baptist church. Well in about mid July of 2010, a murder occurred in that tiny old town of burkburnett. Tommy morrow, a former member of calvary baptist church, murdered his mother, Helen Clark. It strikes me in a weird way that this person that I loved so much and used to sit by during church services could do such a lovely women who I can only remember as being sooo nice. I'm not exactly where I am going with this post but I felt it necessary to express my confusion over this event. Turns out that my dad helped investigate tommys mothers death and that also kinda slapps me in the face. I don't understand how it Is so close to my home. To me. To my family. I heard tonight that tommy got only 20 years in prison for this crime. Knowing both the perp and the victim, I can't help but cringe at the thought of him ever getting out. It makes me wonder how safe that town actually is... That's all for this subject

In other news, I have been feeling like im just feeling sorry for myself and unsure about my role in life--what I'm here for. I have had an overwhelming sense of 'nobody needs me and I'm just bothering others so I need to keep everything to myself' feeling. However, I am trying to figure a way to combat this. I want to be in Ann and jaynee's life (and other friends as will but I can't name u all:) ) and I know they both like talking to me. Sometimes Ed likes to tell me I'm unworthy of these two wonderful people-and sometimes I believe him- but I dont want to have to believe him anymore. I don't want to have to think that I'm unworthy because I AM WORTHY of good friendship. I'm tired of doing everything Ed says even if it hurts me. Here are some lovely quotes that I desperately need to remember in order to combat Ed.
"Dude. Chill. I love you. You didn't do anything wrong. -Ann
You're silly. I need you. I care about you. Don't forget it." -Ann
UPDATE UR STINKING BLOG! I LOVE READING IT! -Jaynee


Update:
Well, the last paragraph was a big update so I don't want to write a ton more but there is some stuff that went on that I ddnt mention.
1) I've been missing a ton of school Lately bc I have been so depressed and uninterested in anything educational which is totally not like me.
2) I am pretty sure I'm changing therapists most likely after the new year just because I locked myself out of my phone and haven't been able to get the contact persons number and I won't get a new sim chip until New years. Anyways so I had a friend call a friend who called another friend who called me who is willing to find me an therapist who specializes in eds only. I was unsure of this being a good idea until I talked it over with my therapist about it. I asked her what she though and as always she said "your the adult I will back u either way but I do think it would be good for you" and it helped to ease my mind about the situation. Hopefully it will happen without a lot of wait time. *Fingers crossed*


And last but not least, behaviors.
I have been doing semi good not doing behaviors but it has been hard. I have been having some pain lately that has not been there before and I Thad some blood that came out when I purged earlier. Ed has just been on my case big time lately and I haven't been doing a good job at reaching out that much.

My iPod battery is going dead do I'm going to stop and charge it so goodnight


Xoxo,
Chels

Scared Outta My Mind Right Nowww

Okay so my mom and I live in these apartments that are nice and I always thought it was a safe neighborhood until last night. Everything was fine until about 10:30 pm. My mom and I decided we were hungry and wanted to get something to eat so we were gonna go to subway. (ik 10:30 is late bit I was hungry bc j hadnt eaten all day) we were on our wag out the door and I stepped into the foyer Abd there were two people that I had never seen before sitting in the staircase. We were just about to lock the door when my mom figured out we didn't have the keys, So we both went inside to look for them. We came out into the foyer again and one of the people were gone. I ddnt think anything of it. We walked outside and there were two it three other ppl running towards us. I was a little uneasy about this but I didn't want to show my concern over something I didn't know was wrong. We proceeded on to the car and went to subway. Went through the drive through and our car broke down. After a few minutes my Mom and I decided that we were going to walk back to the house and call my stepdad for help. We got back to the apartment and the ppl that we're there before were gone. I looked around the foyer like I always do and saw something that freaked me out so bad it's not even funny. My neighbors door has been kicked in and we didn't know if she was home before we left or not. I was seriously scared for her. We opened our door and I saw that our door had been messed with as well. I immediately jumped on fb and got my neighbors number and called her and left a message to call me back ASAP. Long story short I got ahold of her and she came back home and we called the police and made a report.

It's 3:27 am and I'm sitting in my living room I the dark practically jumping out of my skin at every sound. I'm not sure that in over reacting or not. I dont think I am. We had our security (is that the right word??) jeopardized and it really scares me. It pisses me off that I can't even sleep in my own bed bc I'm afraid someone will come to my window and look in my room or something. I have therapy tomorrow and I have no way to get to school so I will hopefully be able to get some of. This fear out of me with therapy... Hopefully...

Anyways I just wanted to check in and tell u what's going on... Until next time

Xoxo,
Chelsea

Another Incredibly Raw Blog Post.

WARNING: if u know me and dont like to keep your mouth shut, don't read this. If u don't know me and dont like to keep your mouth shut, dont read this.

Now that my intro is out of the ways I can begin to tell you what ha been going on in my life.

So I met this guy of whose name I willl not mention, about a month ago. He seemed like a really nice guy and a possible friend. I have been wanting to do drugs for a while now but never had them handed to me so I never did them. One thing that this guy had to offer me was drugs and it was the first thing he offered me. I gave in the first time he brought them up. I wanted son much to be out of mg head that I was willing to do anything to get there. U went over to his house and the first drug he introduced me to was meth. I really liked it actually because it stopped all of my racing thoughts and kept me focused. Although I'm not proud of this particular choice that I made, I am even more upset about the choices i made next. I invited this guy to my house. What ends up happening is that I end up getting raped without even knowing that was the case until almost 2 weeks later and after he is moved out of my house. I have heard many times that It is never the victims fault and I believe that; except in this case. In this case, I feel like it IS my fault and I need to get over it. I feel as if I should not say anything because if I hadn't done what I did this probably wouldn't have happened.

I haven't posted in a while because j didn't even know that I wanted to tell whoever reads my blog about the dumb ass mistakes I have made. I have decided that if I want to have. An honest blog, I am going to have to find a way to tell the truth about what has happened. Maybe no one reads my blog, idk. But even if that's the case I still feel like I need to learn and be comfortable with being honest.

Im just ranting now. Just so u guys know, I am no longer doing drugs and done them since that one-week stretch of bad decisions. It was experimental and it's not happening again. I'll keep you updated from here in out. Dont judge, thanks. :)