Still mourning

This diary entry was written by my mom on Saturday July 18, 2010. . I wont write all of it, but i need to speak about it. 1: "I feel sad because chelsea left me and went to live with her dad because i got drunk and depressed and could not take care of her." 2: "I am angry at myself that i pushed Chelsea away." 3: "I am sad that i lost my family when i got sick." 4: "I am angry that i have a mental illness and that i am an alcoholic and that i have to live with this illness for the rest of my life." 5: "I am angry at myself because i could not protect Chelsea from her abusers." -dana Each and everytime i read this, i feel an enormous amount of guilt, sorrow, and sadness. Guilt because i made the decision to move back to my dads. Even though i knew it was what was best for me. I should have spent more time with her while i could. Sadness because i feel the pain she felt when i read her diary entries. I wish i could have comforted her and made my love known to her more. Sorrow because i only want to hold her and hug her right now. And tell her how much i love her. Instead i will write her a letter. Dear mom, Your death ripped a huge hole in my heart. Theres not a day that i dont think about you. Theres not a day i dont regret not being there to say goodbye. If nothing else, to keep you company in your last minutes of life. Theres not a day that goes by that i dont remember all of the fun times we had; like singing what little lyrics we could remember to christmas songs in the middle of the mall for other customers walking by, or you yelling "PINK PANTIES" in the middle of the mall everytime we passed victorias secret to embarrass me. Those are just a few of the awesome memories i have of you. I remember always knowing that you love me and michael like crazy. I remember always loving you more than i could tell you. I remember never wanting to be with anyone but you. I am a mommas girl. There are a few things i need to tell you, though. I need to tell you that although sexual abuse is a horrible thing and it shouldnt happen to anyone, i do not wish it didnt happen. As it made me stronger. If i could go back in time, and somehow prevent it, i.would not. I wish u never had to be angry at yourself for what happened, because i like who i am. And i would not be who i am without that experience. There is so much to say and i dont have enough words to say it. Just know i have always loved you. I could not have asked for a better mother. You are and always will be missed. Love from your daughter, Chelsea

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Uhm. just an update

Ive been doing okay. Struggling every now and then but its not too hard to get out of it. There have been times where i really think i am going to relapse. Other times i dont even really think about what im eating until i get a notification on my phone telling me to log my meals. Im not sure where im going with this. So im gonna leave it at that. Xoxo, Chelsea Lou

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Update

In a month and a half, roughly, it will have been a year since my mom died. I still find myself wishing I could die right along with her. Not because I really want to die, because I don't, but because I can't stand the thought of living without her. Each and every day I go back over it and think again and again about what I could have done to change it. I find myself telling people that she lives in Norman and we are still on good terms. That I met Blake and decided to live on my own but we still talk often. Just because I'm tired of seeing people's face when I tell them. I'm tired of the "I'm sorry for your loss" and "oh that's so sad" and "stay strong" that people always feel the need to say when they find out. I just let people talk about their parents as if I know what they are talking about bc mine are still always in my life. Truth is, I still feel like I've never had both parents at one time. It's always been one or the other. And when my mom died, I felt like even the other parent-daughter relationship crumbled. So now sometimes I feel like at 18, I lost both parents. Maybe that's not fair. But its what I feel.
Anyways, I am done talking. I will write again when I have something else to say