I wrote this as a blog post on the 14th of march... I was right...
I feel so alone. Like my life is falling apart at the seams and theres nothing i can do to stop it. I hate being in texas for more than a week and i have been stuck here for 2. Now my mom is unreachable and i find myself scared that she is dead. The police are at my house in norman and im in texas. I wish i had not chosen to come down here. Now i have to wait and hope and pray that she is okay. This is not the first time that this has happened though. I remember that while doing the dishes one night in 2006 or 2007 that my dad came in and told me that my mom tried to commit suicide again. I remember being completely shocked that she did that again. I thought she was doing okay...i thought she was getting better. My dad walked in and told me this and then got something to drink and walked away like nothing happened. I remember being completely shocked and then terrified and then angry. I wanted to break every dish in the kitchen but instead i just cried a little and then sucked it up and acted like it didn't bother me. I do believe that was the time we hAd to go clean out her apartment. My grandpa, my brother and i took an exhausting trip to muskogee to pack up her things and move it to storage. Her apartment was a disaster area. Gross moldy dishes in the sink, dirty laundry everywhere, a desperately nasty bathroom. I can still see the apartment at times like these.
At first i wondered if i should be worried about this. After all, it is completely normal of my mom not to answer the phone. But its abnormal for no one to be able to reach her at all. Its abnormal that she didnt get her money out of the bank today like she usually does, and its abnormal for her to be unresponsive to me calling and leaving messages like "mom, pick up the phone...now.. Im getting worried. Im gonna call someone to check on you if u don't answer now or call me back asap!" she doesn't like anyone worrying and she doesnt ignore us unless something is seriously wrong. Please be okay mom, please.
